Desperate Faith

"21 Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”

23 Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

25 The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.

26 He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

27 “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

28 Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment."

Matthew 15:21-28New International Version (NIV)

 She came to Jesus

because need drove her

She had no one else who could possibly help

She had no other option

She had no other possiblity 

or any other hope

She knew she was not enough
to meet the need of another

She had never met HIM

or knew HIM

but she had heard of HIM

and believed

The only other option 

was despair

She came to him

driven by love

for another

driven by the suffering
of  seeing her loved one

suffer 

torment

upon 

torment

on and on 

over and over

She came

she pursued

she sought out

she would not 

be turned away

by anything

Why did Jesus not respond to her at first?

I do not know

she did not know

But still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

Why did Jesus only respond after the others complained about her?

I do not know

she did not know

but still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

He answered her in what seems so gruff,, rejecting, and final

Why did he speak thus to her?

I do not know

she did not know

but still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

She talked back to Jesus

and he commended her

A crumb

that is all I am asking

a crumb
because YOU are SO GREAT
that will be ENOUGH

Say whatever you will say or do 
or not say or do
 to me

I will not stop pursuing you

"Lord to whom shall we go?

You have the words of eternal life"
John 6:68 KJV

I get so confused about persisting in coming to YOU in prayer...

Do you just want us to be pigheaded and stubborn?

relentlessly pestering you to death 

with my cries and requests?

But You did not say to this woman. "Great is your endurance"

"great is your patience"

"great is your stubborness"

You said, 'Great is your faith.'

Yes, I want things of you

I want you to listen to my heart 

and do what I so earnestly long for

but I am so afraid to really pray for what I desire

because there really is no way to do this safely

prayer is the verbalizing
and

articulating
of what is deep within

the admitting of what I long for

the words come out with my heart still attatched to them

What if you do not answer the way I want?

What if you do not answer when I want?

What if you do not answer me at all?

What if I don't even know what the answer is that you are giving to me?

What if your answer is no

to what I feel desperate about

to what I feel that I just cannot do without

And so I remain in the no man's land 

of vague generalities

requests framed like statements in a fortune cookie

so that no matter what happens

I can stay somewhat emotionally "safe"

But you pushed this woman beyond

beyond caring what anyone else thought

beyond even a seemingly unfavorable response from you

You pushed her to stake her all

on YOU

not on any guarentee she would get what she was asking for

but on who YOU ARE

You will give what is good

somehow

 in time

You may not give me what I want

when I want it

But you long to always give me 

YOURSELF

The Lord is near to those who call upon him

to those who call upon him in truth.

Psalm 145:18 NIV

This is the voice of a man who calls out:

"Prepare in the desert

the way for the Lord.

Make the road in the dry lands 

straight for our God. 

Every valley should be raised up. 

Every mountain and hills should be made flat,

The rough ground should be made level. 

The rugged ground sold be made smooth.

Then the glory of the Lord will be shown. 

All people together will see it. 

The Lord himself said these things."

Isaiah 40 :3-5 ICB

Yes, 

even these desperate needs

are an opportunity 

to prepare my heart 

for your coming

in

Oh Lord, help me to not try to keep you at a distance
keepng all the pain
all the desperate desires and longings
bottled up inside of me
and away from you

Help me to open my heart to you
in the midst of this desperation
this deep grief, disappointment,
confusion or desire

no matter what the situation 

or what others are saying or thinkig or doing
help me 

to trust in you
in who you are
not anything else

to rest in you

to know your presence and your love in my heart

to commune with you all that is in my heart
nothing hidden
nothing reserved

to open the depths of my being to your depths of love

to know you in the deep

"Deep calls unto deep
at the noise of your waterfalls
All your waves and billows have gone over me."
Psalm 42:7 NKJV

yes

this is where you get you glory
you will transform my inner life
and others will see your greatness

and be drawn to YOU
your
beauty,
grace, 
wisdom,
love,
compassion
and power.

Praise you Lord!

Every valley should be raised up. 

Every mountain and hills should be made flat,

The rough ground should be made level. 

The rugged ground sold be made smooth.

Then the glory of the Lord will be shown. 

All people together will see it. 

The Lord himself said these things."

Isaiah 40 :4-5 ICB