The Gopher Hiding Below....

my yard pockmarked like a bad case of acne

with piles and holes

dumps and craters

unstable for walking

the ground looking firm

but hollow beneath

giving way when I lean my weight on it

more air than substance below my feet

relentlessly tunneling

silently unseen

I rarely see him in action

but I see his effects everywhere

relentlessly digging, tunneling

 taking away my substance 

rearranging my supposed stability 

I have tried various and ineffective methods...

kicking the loose dirt back into the holes with disgust

stuffing rocks into gaping mouths

even pouring water from the hose full blast in a vain attempt to flood him out 

or at least convince him to go somewhere else

For all my efforts

there in the morning or early evening

evidence of fresh digging,

fresh deposits...

a few times, he has even had the audacity to stare me in the face 

eye to eye

but he knows I can never catch him in time

before he disappears out of reach into a labyrinth of secluded tunnels

Despair and hopelessness 

as he eats away all my greenery

all my cover

all my supposed beauty

the first step to progress is to admit that he is there

stop denying 

stop pretending he is some phantom of my imagination

"For they have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace" Jeremiah 8:11 KJV

how quick I am to say,

"It's fine."

"I am fine."

"It is no big deal." 

I am afraid to admit,

"Yes, that statement really hurt me."

"Yes, I really am angry about..."

Afraid others will not want to be around me

will reject me

turn away in disgust and abhorrence

"I don't want to be around that"

"what a complaining, negative, bitter person!"

But...

"...no one can have fellowship with an unreal person."(The Calvary Road by Roy Hession)

How to be real and truthful and 

also be kind and gracious and discerning?

I think for me, I am trying to talk to God first about the gopher

and then to others I trust

putting my emotions into words

let them be expressed

not covered over by a false peace

My point is that we must never shame a person who does not or cannot instantly feel the joy that awaits him or her on the other side of pain and agony. We must give them the kind of opportunity Jesus had {in the Garden of Gethsemane}
to work through the pain and the reality of suffering. If we do not, we push people into a place where they walk around with ungrieved losses and unresolved pain. This pain is never buried dead. It is buried alive and must be fed every day....
You must feel before you can heal, or you will stay wounded and in turn wound others who get too close. (Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn pgs.33-4)

Oh Lord,

 teach me how to walk with you in transparency and truth

to be genuine and sincere

and to walk unafraid of what others think 

and yet be careful to say what is

helpful and not hurtful 

what is needed and necessary

to speak the truth in love

show me what this means

fill me with your Holy Spirit 

to move closer to 

this reality

¹⁵ Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, ¹⁶ from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV

 postscript: I hope I cause no offense with the portrayal of a living creature, the gopher in my front yard, in a negative way. I am only speaking metaphorically. 
I also do not mean to insinuate anything by referring to him with a male pronoun.
It just sounded nicer. I am trying to point to a problem within me and not at anyone else, male or female, human or animal. :)

If anyone wishes to comment on how God is teaching them to "speak the truth in love," I would really love to learn from you...

I am usually way over on one side or way over on the other side...
 I am usually too honest, rude, overbearing, opinionated, judgemental or
 too superficially, nice, shallow and unreal. 

The Great Mold Clean Up

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." Hebrews 12:15

Mold.

Silently spreading its contamination in the hidden and covered over places. 

Insidious and slowly poisoning all it surrounds.

Toxic.

I have experienced the power of mold.

The roof of our house was improperly connected when the house was built 10 years ago. A seemingly small fault that was not visible to the eye. 

But as the years passed, each rain drop contributed more and more water into the underside of the roof, down into the wall, silently spreading.

We were oblivious; we thought all was well. 

We simply had no idea.

Until one rain came that was strong and constant and the incoming water overflowed all its hidden places.

Discovering wet carpet, I assumed it must be the fault of one of my kids spilling water in his bedroom. 

But after towels, fans and the like, the next day the wetness was even greater and more widespread.

Then the musty smell of rottenness began to permeate the room.

Finally when we removed all of the stuff stuffed into the closet that hadn't been touched in months.. years... we began to discover that we had a problem much bigger than we had thought possible. 

5 months, thousands of dollars and plenty of angst and ruined discarded possessions, that room is finally safe to live and sleep in.

During this time, the great mold clean up was a metaphor for the work God was doing in my life.
Digging out the saturated rotten coverings to expose the contamination within.
Having to sand down, discard and clean over and over again.
It would have been easy to just put up new dry wall and paint and seal off the ugly and the raw from sight. But that would only guarantee more damage to come.

No, it had to be faced. The truth had to be accepted and worked through.
The room needed help: professional help with expertise, tools, resources, trucks to haul away the unrecoverable carpet etc. It was too large of a job to face alone.

I needed help: professional help and community - it was too large of a job to face alone

I had no time or money to spare for this. Nevertheless, it made its claim on both.
It simply had to be done, no matter the cost or the inconvenience. 

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." Hebrews 12:15

Exactly during these 5 months, I felt the relentless love and truth of God, tearing off my coverings and exposing my bitterness like a poisonous plant growing in my heart. 

or like poisonous mold spreading. As longs as it had moisture to supply it, it spread and as the verse says, troubled me and damaged others. 

I felt raw and exposed, like my room. Torn down to bare, stained and ugly studs. No fresh white dry wall, no soft carpet. Absolutely nowhere to hide.

They had to bring in huge metal sanders to sand off the rotten parts of the wood, the very beams that were holding the house together and the roof over our heads. 

They had to bring in an air scrubber to filter out the minute spores invisible to be seen that floated and moved in the currents of air passing through and around our home. 

I had been praying to God, why did I always feel so alone, even when surrounded by Christian community? Why did I constantly feel so isolated? Why do I read such wonderful passages about the church as his body, a loving community where everyone has a meaningful place and yet, consistently feel like an amputated limb? 

God was showing me that by trying to be peaceful and accepting of painful relationships and experiences in my life without letting there be an honest expression of the hurt emotions, grief, sorrow, longing, disappointment, anger, bitterness, resentment, envy towards God and others was just like the mold in my wall. It may look okay on the outside but inside the rottenness is still growing and spreading. 

I learned that to prevent mold there must be good and constant ventilation.
Seal it off and it will only sicken and spread. Keep it open and it can heal.

Open it up, express the wounds, the hurts, the hard questions and it can be cleansed and renewed.

This is terrifying. What is in there? What will happen to me as I release these powerful and many times very negative emotions and thoughts? I fear a total loss of control.

"God is the one who saves me. I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, give me strength and makes me sing. He has saved me. " Isaiah 12 :2

This verse has so comforted me. There can be problems all around but He will be with me and will be what I need at every turn.

Too often I have not wanted to be a complainer, to be overly negative, afraid that no one will want to be around me or be friends with me, but... 

"When we feel our lives, we are tuned into pain as it emerges and can resolve it before our lives begin to revolve around it. But if we are not allowed to or choose not to feel the pain, we will add hurt on top of injury and inflict further difficulty and conflict on our lives..." Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn pg 28

I am learning that I cannot be in genuine community without honesty, with God and with others. 

^"15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head,that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15 NIV

Only God can teach us how to speak the truth with Him, within ourselves and with others motivated only by love. 

 This does not mean that I have to express every thought that passes through my mind like someone with a bad cough who does not cover their mouth out of care for others.

At the very least, I believe it means I need to admit to God when I am hurt, upset, depressed, sad, grieving, angry, bitter, jealous, or resentful and have an ongoing conversation with Him and at least one real live human being in real time and space who knows me. 

And to be the kind of person that others feel safe to honestly admit their struggles to, giving them time, support, friendship, love and most of all room to work out those things with God. 

¹⁶ Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].¹⁷ Elijah was a human being with a nature such as we have [with feelings, affections, and a constitution like ours]; and he prayed earnestly for it not to rain, and no rain fell on the earth for three years and six months.¹⁸ And [then] he prayed again and the heavens supplied rain and the land produced its crops [as usual]. James 5:16 -18 Amplified Bible

Hearing wonderful messages and having polite and insightful conversations about the Bible are so necessary. But we will not enter into community until we open and share and pray for each other in those raw and hurting places. 

The day came we thought we were all done.
Brand new dry wall, paint, beautiful new carpeting.

Then as I was cleaning the walls, I stopped to clean the register that covered the heating duct. It was covered in mold on the inside, again so near, but just out of sight, until you opened it up.

A whole new aspect of the repair began.

The mold had spread through what was supposed to bring clean warm air in, but instead carried contaminated air out. It had spread to two other rooms. 

More digging, more rubbish, more replacing of the connections between rooms like the connections between my heart and God and those around me.

I learned my job was to persevere and not quit or give it all up as hopeless. 

God knows where the covering up, where the dishonesty and delusion lies. Just stay in communication with Him, his word and those who are also listening to him. 

Finally after many months, the day did arrive where we were rebuilding instead of tearing out. Beautifying instead of taking away. 

And the very day, the very day we finally finished it all, a neighbor was giving away an entire complete bedroom set of  1940's beautiful, carved, solid, wood furniture such as I love and such as reminds me of my grandparents and my heritage. 

It was ready to go and complete and was moved in within an hour. 

The room is so much more beautiful than I ever could have provided for myself. 
Now, a year later, we have a lovely young woman who needed a place to stay and we were able to provide her a clean, beautiful space to live. This experience was not just for me but for others as well. 

My relationship with God is deeper, richer and closer as well as my relationship with my husband, children, friends, neighbors, everyone. I have learned to be more authentic and yet graceful. Thank you Lord. 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy. And he is the God of all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so that we can comfort others when they have trouble. We can comfort them with the same comfort that God gives us. II Corinthians 2:3-4 NIV

"The Lord God has put his Spirit in me. 

This is because he has appointed me to tell the good news to the poor. 

He has sent me to comfort hose whose hearts are broken,

He has sent me to tell the captives they are free. 

He has sent me t tell the prisoners that they are released.

He has sent me to announce the time when the Lord will show his kindness 

and the time when our God will punish evil people. 

He has sent me to comfort all those who are sad.

He has sent me to the sorrowing people of Jerusalem. 

I will give them a crown to replace their ashes. 

I will give them the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow. 

I will give them clothes of praise to replace their spirit of sadness. 

Then they will be called Tress of Goodness..

They will be like trees planted by the Lord and will show his greatness. 

They will rebuild the old ruins. 

They will build up the places destroyed long ago.

They will repair the ruined cities that were destroyed for so long."

Isaiah 61:1, 3-4

International Children's Bible 

Resources that have been very helpful to me: Resources for dealing with grief and loss from H. Norman Wright A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society   by Eugene H. Peterson Working the Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity by Eugene H. Peterson The Art of Pastoring: Ministry Without All the Answers by David Hansen

Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/ http://carm.org/questions/about-jesus/why-did-jesus-cry-out-my-god-my-god-why-have-you-forsaken-me

http://www.waitingforamoonbeam.com/2011/12/will-you-still-be-my-friend.html

Many thanks to Jo Ann Fore and the community of loving and supportive women I met through her and the encouragement, strength and example you all have been to me this last year. Bless you!
http://www.joannfore.com/books/when-a-woman-finds-her-voice/

43 But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush^[a] and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”

⁸ Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
    who have ears but are deaf.
⁹ All the nations gather together
    and the peoples assemble.
Which of their gods foretold this
    and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
    so that others may hear and say, “It is true.”
¹⁰ “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor will there be one after me.
¹¹ I, even I, am the Lord,
    and apart from me there is no savior.
¹² I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
    I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
¹³     Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
    When I act, who can reverse it?”

¹⁴ This is what the Lord says—
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“For your sake I will send to Babylon
    and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,^[b]
    in the ships in which they took pride.
¹⁵ I am the Lord, your Holy One,
    Israel’s Creator, your King.”

¹⁶ This is what the Lord says—
    he who made a way through the sea,
    a path through the mighty waters,
¹⁷ who drew out the chariots and horses,
    the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
    extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:
¹⁸ “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.
²⁰ The wild animals honor me,
    the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
²¹     the people I formed for myself
    that they may proclaim my praise.

Isaiah 43:1 - 21 NIV

Really enjoyed this psalm this morning. 

Love to you all, 

Susan

Psalm 34^[a][b]

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelek, who drove him away, and he left.

¹ I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.
⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
    he saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
    and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
    I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
¹² Whoever of you loves life
    and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
    and his ears are attentive to their cry;
¹⁶ but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
    to blot out their name from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
²² The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 34:1 This psalm is an acrostic poem, the verses of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.
2. Psalm 34:1 In Hebrew texts 34:1-22 is numbered 34:2-23.