Lord of Glory, Hear my cry

2 ¹ Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish ² and said,

“I called out to the Lord from my distress,
and he answered me;
from the belly of Sheol I cried out for help,
and you heard my prayer.
³ You threw me into the deep waters,
into the middle of the sea;
the ocean current engulfed me;
all the mighty waves you sent swept over me.
⁴ I thought I had been banished from your sight,
that I would never again see your holy temple!
⁵ Water engulfed me up to my neck;
the deep ocean surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
⁶ I went down to the very bottoms of the mountains;
the gates of the netherworld barred me in forever;
but you brought me up from the Pit, O Lord, my God.
⁷ When my life was ebbing away, I called out to the Lord,
and my prayer came to your holy temple.
⁸ Those who worship worthless idols forfeit the mercy that could be theirs.
⁹ But as for me, I promise to offer a sacrifice to you with a public declaration of praise;
I will surely do what I have promised.
Salvation belongs to the Lord!”

¹⁰ Then the Lord commanded the fish and it disgorged Jonah on dry land.

Jonah 2 New English Translation

Jonah 4:2 ..."I knew that you are a God who is kind and shows mercy. You don't become angry quickly. You have great love. I knew you would rather forgive than punish..." 

International Children's version

Daddy, I need you

Daddy, I need You

...for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" Matthew 6:8

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." 

Matthew 7:7-12 KJV

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13 NIV

These verses are difficult for me...

What does it mean to have a Daddy in Heaven who is all knowing, all powerful, all love and yet still live in a fallen world?

God can do anything but tragedy, devastation, suffering, sin, selfishness happen

Happen all the time

Happen in horrific randomness

terrifying selfishness

leaving devastating destruction

These things happen

Happen to those I see and hear about

Happen to those I  know

Happen to those I love

Happen to me

What does it mean to trust you to be the Daddy who takes care of me?

I am standing here bankrupted

all my accounts overdrawn

crumpled promisary notes in hand that I have no ability to pay

"The servant therefore fell down and worshipped him, saying, 

"Lord have patience with me and I will pay you all"  Matthew 18: 26 KJV

This man thought he just needed time to repay his debt

No, time is not what I need

I am utterly bankrupt and without any hope of renewal and redemption outside of your mercy.

This man received what he did not yet know that he needed:

 your free and absolute forgiveness of all that debt

 his belief that in time he could pay
prevented this great mercy from reaching his heart 

and transforming everything there
because he would not even grant time
to one who owed him

much less
extending mercy, debt-forgiveness, freedom

Trying to live a righteous life has brought me to utter bankruptcy

I have no resource to meet the needs that meet me everyday

"For I have satiated the weary soul and I have replenished every sorrowful soul"

 Jeremiah 31:25 KJV

Only you can do this

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13

What you promise to provide is yourself

not things, security that makes me feel secure without you

no promises of exemption from the woes of this life

not even deprivation is excluded

Jesus knew what it was to be hungry, exhausted, rejected, scorned, manipulated betrayed, crucified

He was not spared any of this

So that anyone could have him in the midst of their longing soul, no matter what

What does it mean to have an all loving Daddy,
 all powerful, all knowing, all able,

while still  in this fallen world?

 It means I have a loving heart and a lap to climb into
where there is a welcoming smile

Where I can tell all my heart, all I desire,
all I wish I could change, all I wish I could give,

all I wish I could fix, change, redo, transform

accepting that I cannot do any of this

that He is all wise to know what to do

how to best bring us and those we love to our deepest home in him

When Jesus asked the rich young ruler to sell all,
give to the poor and come and follow him

Jesus is really saying that being with him is better 

than being young, wealthy, powerful, comfortable,
 respected, well-fed, admired, esteemed,

whatever else I so desperately desire

Jesus was not asking this man to make a lesser trade

He was offering him the best

Himself

I am not able to give up everything I have
 but am asking You to be more and more

and to loosen the hold these things have on me to less and less

nature abhors a vacuum

I will be filled with something

Oh, let it be You 

With men these things are impossible

but with God all things are possible

with God

with God

with God

Oh dear Lord, let me be with you,
 no matter what it costs or what I have to let go of 

You will give wisdom and grace for any and every situation, 

every conundrum, every shock. every day of mundane details

Whatever the need, even when I don't know what I need

I need YOU

With you

With you

With you

all things are possible

In all their affliction he was afflicted,

    and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;    he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. 

Isaiah 63:9 ESV

It really is impossible!

 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matthew 19:26 New Living Translation

Jesus looked at them and replied, "This is impossible for mere humans, but for God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26  NET Bible (2006)

This verse used to hit me like an all around excuse slayer
like a scythe or machete cutting down all reasons in a broad swath
why I could believe I did not have to really try to do what Jesus says to really do

But lately it has been such a comfort and balm to me
What! Really?
It is not my imagination
It is not a delusion
it really IS impossible!!!!
It is not that I just can't somehow seem to be a spiritual parent
who can truly love spouse and children with a patient, persistent, consistently self-sacrificing love
all the while balancing taking good care of myself as well
it is not a matter of just reading this book or praying enough or anything enough

a human being is a deep well
relationships are complex and difficult
life is confusing and bewildering
there is no simple fix
or simple remedy

even lots of spiritual knowledge and activities
do not necessarily bring
deep, lasting, and true transformation

I am so relieved to hear Jesus say it right out loud

It really, really cannot be done
You are not crazy for thinking so

Jesus just says it straight out
with human beings this is impossible

this is why I came
this is why I am here

I want to do what you can never do
but I cannot
until you realize 
you cannot

A Jewish leader asked Jesus, "Good Teacher, what must I do to get the life that continues forever?"
Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? Only God is good. You know the commands: You must not be guilty of adultery. You must not murder anyone. You must not steal. You must not tell lies about your neighbor in court. Honor your father and mother."
But the leader said, "I have obeyed all these commands since I was a boy!"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "But there is still one more thing you need to do. Sell everything you have and give the money to the poor. You will have a reward in heaven. Then come and follow me!"
But when the man heard this, he became very sad because he was very rich.
When Jesus saw that the man was sad, he said, 'It will be very hard for rich people to enter the kingdom of God! It would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle, than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
When his disciples heard this, they asked, "Then who can be saved?"
Jesus answered , "God can do things that are not possible for men to do!"
Peter said, "Look, we left everything we had and followed you!"
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth. Everyone who has left his house, wife, brothers, parents, or children for Gods' kingdom will get much mort than he left. He will receive many times more in this life. And after he dies, he will live with God forever." Luke 18: 18-30 International Children's Bible

I cannot sell all my possessions give to the poor and just follow Jesus
I cannot get my camel through the eye of the needle
I cannot do any of this

What a relief to hear you say it to me as well

When start from this point together with you, O LORD,  there is hope
You have been patiently waiting for me to arrive to this place
what You have known all along

When I feel like all I am doing is banging my head against a brick wall
bouncing from frustration to rage to despair
Wait!
The portal is opening to a whole new existence
 a whole new arena of faith and dependence

This is the opening
This is the door
with me, this is impossible
yes, say it,
with me THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
with me THIS IS TOO MUCH
with me I CANNOT DO THIS
with me THIS IS CRAZY
with me HOW CAN ANYONE EVER BE EXPECTED TO DO THIS??!!

I am ready to dance a jig on the table tops
Thank you Lord
Oh thank you Lord
you understand
you know how I feel
and you don't tell me to just keep trying

I must bow
I am not God
I am not God
I do not have what is needed here in any way, shape or form

Only you
Only you
Only you
can do this
You are God
You are God
I bow to you
Take your rightful place as God in me
in this home
in these relationships

A life of high adventure
like jumping out of plane with only a small back pack and an assurance

the parachute will open...

you say

With God all things are possible
With God all things are possible
With God all things are possible

I am God is anything too hard for me?

Like Bilbo Baggins, thrust from his familiar, comfortable and safe Hobbit home
this doesn't mean anything will be the way I want it to,
 but it does mean YOU can get what you want in me

You can keep me in trials
You can keep me in blessing
You can love through me
You can lead me
You can
You can

All praise to you!!

Genesis 18:14 "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."

Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

The Invitation

The Invitation 

⁹ As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.¹⁰ While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. ¹¹ When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
¹² On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. ¹³ But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’^[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 9 :9-13

I would like to be invited to this dinner party
 because I need a relationship that I cannot screw up

constantly on thin ice
a feeling of constant doom
a heavy weight hanging by a fraying thread
just waiting to crash down
the ice will crack at some point -  it is just a matter of time
I just don't know when and where
but it will crack
I will screw up something
I will say/do something
I will make some mistake

people will be nervous, awkward, silent and then withdraw without explanation

like the ever expanding universe I seem to be moving further and further away from meaningful connection and relationships chasing an ever more elusive receding and diminishing point of light

unable to be grasped
like fog
slipping through the finger tips

lacking mass, insubstantial

lost in the morass of my self

Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners
when asked why he did this he said
'It is not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick.'

It is not pleasant being called sick,
but letting a doctor call you sick, could just save your life...

He did not just tolerate them

try to help them, but keep them at arm's distance

He was sitting and having dinner with 'the terrible ones, the wrong ones'
He was enjoying their company
smiling, eating, sharing, laughing
it was wonderful company

He was not in a rush for them to leave
They were welcome with gladness and a face that lit up as they came in

"I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance."

Whether religious or not
As long as I view myself as THE RIGHT ONE and those as THE WRONG
He cannot help me much except to help me see I am the one that needs him
usually through the pain of relationships
It is those who accept the prognosis of this doctor that he can change

Observing such a joyous time of inclusion,
the Pharisees only wanted to know, 'Why are you eating with THEM??'

There was no room for the love of God to flood in
it was already filled with self-rightness

but when my heart aches and is an empty cavern
and I know I need
I need desperately
I need more than any person can ever possibly give
Oh Lord
open the sluice gates
fill me with YOU
your love, your acceptance, your joy, your hope, your transformation
change me as only you can
no matter what the circumstances of my life
I will never be beyond needing you to change and utterly transform me
from the inside out

I can be filled with my rightness or God's love
like a big straining cloth which becomes a barrier between me and God
and me and others as long as I hold onto my rightness
it hides, distorts, confuses, camouflages, isolates

God says there is no one good, no not one
none righteous, none that seek after him

Yes, I agree,
yes, here I am
love me with your love
seek me out
change me
change that is only possible because you love me

I need you

he didn't view them as contaminating
disgusting
revolting
not a fake sugar syruppying sweet patronizing kind of love

He didn't just tolerate them or coexist with them

He loved them, 
each and every one 
individually and personally

He wanted to get to know them
each and every one,
individually and personally

understand how they think
what they value
their deep desires, goals, aspirations, longings
their hurts and needs

to show them that He is all that they long for and more

we all fall short
the only question is if I am aware of this yet?

Isn't this the point of relationships and community, to bring us to truth?

He can only help those who view themselves as fundamentally flawed
who really see they need to change and know deep down they cannot do it
this is not demeaning or insulting
this is freeing

when I really cannot understand why I am the way I am
why I keep messing up every relationship with everyone I really really do want to love
It is such a relief to agree with what is already true
to let the pretentions and the delusive visions crash
to stop trying to hold up the pretense that it is going to somehow just all be okay
It is not okay, it is really not

Then this relationship becomes the only secure relationship ever to exist
because is is based completely on what Jesus has done and is doing
It is available to anyone and everyone
truly truly truly

I must always stay where I know I need him

"Thus says the LORD:
Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom,
Let not the mighty man boast in his might,
Let not the rich man boast in his riches,
but let him who boasts, boast in this,
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the LORD
who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth.
For in these things, I delight, declares the LORD." 

Jeremiah 9:23-4

to know Him
relationship
dependence
not a one time event
continual
He has promised to give the Holy Spirt
am I teachable
leadable
listening
talking to him

He is not a force or a vague impression
but a real personality who wants a real relationship with me

all about him and not about me

"My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, LORD? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them, yes the poor and needy from him who spoils him. "  Psalm 35:10 NIV

Daddy loves me

A Father's love
The Father Heart of God
Begotten of God
Born of God

 I have a picture that is worth a thousand words

I see how my father is smiling

with love and enjoyment

pleasure

acceptance

hope

affection

as he looks at the fuzzy haired and mostly oblivious
18 month old girl
he holds lovingly
in his strong arms

and experienced hands

did the little girl do anything to earn this beloved status?

did she make some grand sacrifice?

did she do some great work?

does she have some amazing intellect?

or create some profound work of art?

is she even aware of any of those things at all?

or is she only aware 

that she is held

loved

enjoyed

cared for

has a hope and a future

not because of anything about her

but because of the one who holds her dear

close to his heart

loved and beloved

because of the relationship that they share

father and daughter

she did not apply for this 

she did not work for this

she is not even aware of this

she came from him

his initiative

his care 

his provision 

his love

 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 

 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.

 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—  

 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. 

John 1:10-13 ESV

The Word was in the world. The world was made through him, but the world did not know him. He came to the world that was his own. But his own people did not accept him. But some people did accept him. They believed in him. To them he gave the right to become children of God. They did not become his children in the human way. They were not born because of the desire or wish of some man. They were born of God." John 1:10-13 NIV

3 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 

 I John 3:1 NIV

Family of Jacob, listen to me!
All you people from Israel, who are still alive, listen!

I have carried you since you were born, 

I have taken care of you
from your birth

Even when you are old, 
I will take care of you

Even when your hair has turned grey, 
I will take care of you.

I made you 
and will take care of you.

I will carry you and I will save you.
Isaiah 46 :3-4 NIV


But the difficult questions come
If God is such a loving Father,
why did _____ happen?

where was He then?

Why didn't he 
protect me
provide for me
comfort me
help me

Why?

What does it mean to be God's child?

First and foremost 
it is to be
beloved 
only because 
of the Love of God

God is Love
It is his nature to love
I am merely the object and recipient of such love

therefore this relationship is 
immune to my insecurities
and failings 
impervious to my strivings
must let it all go
and simply receive

It is secure
because it is not based on me

It is unchanging only because He is unchanging
It is only because of Jesus and not because of me
therefore I can rest 
in Him alone

From the place of nestling in his arms
I can tell him of all the pain of those unanswered why's
the agony of the what ifs
and why not's 

I may never know 
all the reasons why
but I can know him 
who knows and loves me

who is waiting and longing to
hold me in his arms
and be my comfort

There is always a lap
that I may crawl into
be welcomed 
and pour out my grief 
sorrow and confusion

There is no guarantee of anything in this life
but who He is
and that He is love

in the words of Corrie Ten Boom, 

"Our loving Heavenly Father holds all things in his hands,
 even our questions." 
The Hiding Place movie

a place to tell my sorrows 
to the man of sorrows 
who was acquainted with grief
the one who was wounded for my transgressions
by whose stripes I am healed
the one who puts my tears in a bottle
and promises one day to wipe all tears from our eyes

I can talk about all my pain 
he knows, he understands, he comforts

I may never know the "answers" but I can know Him
I can know his love
I can rest in his arms
and be beloved

'to the praise of Him who has made us accepted in the beloved..."

Ephesians 1:6

http://www.igracemusic.com/hymnbook/hymns/o08.html

Moving from Fear to Peace

Moving from Fear to Peace

like a lion rending and shredding all rationality
with sharp teeth and claws tearing at me
fear is a tight, pervasive, panic overriding all reason
an icy hand with a vice's grip on my heart, my throat,
strangling
my thoughts
my faith
my courage
my love

I have 3 children, who are still young
my own mother died of cancer within 2 years of my current age
her concern was dismissed to her demise

I have an 'area of concern' that could at any time go rogue
and silently spread death in my members. Unknown and unseen.

Fear,
I know fear
a paralyzing  asphyxiating fear
a panic that overrides all rational thought
a deep-seated terror that arises with great force from within

There is no love in fear
     your love cannot penetrate the defenses on my heart
         even though you are there, I cannot feel you at all where I need you

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

 Psalm 73: 21-28 NIV

You are holding on to me, like a little child
You will guide me, like a little child
You are all I really have
all else is a gift

But how do I get from senseless beast to nothing I desire beside you?
I desire a lot

I want to pour out my heart and desires to you
I want to open my heart and let you hold all my treasures

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.  Luke 12:34 New Living Translation

Oh Lord, bring me to where all my treasures are in you
and in your trustworthy hands...
even to where you are my greatest treasure,
the only sure thing I really have

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25

"Where God's love is,

there is no fear in love,

        because God's perfect love takes away all fear."

I John 4:17

     not my love but yours

It doesn't say there will be no suffering, no limits, no loss
       just that there will be no fear
when, by the Holy Spirit, I am filled with your love

"I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."

John 14:18 NIV

He doesn't promise that everything will work out the way I want,
or that even my worst fears won't happen but that
He will be with me, and that
He, himself is my comfort
and will care for those I love

But now, this is what the LORD says--

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, 

I will be with you;

and When you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD your God

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east 

and gather you from the west.

I will say to the north,'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth--

everyone who is called by my name, 

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

Isaiah 43:1-3; 5-7 NIV

"You, Lord, give true peace. 

You give peace to those who depend on you.

You give peace to those who trust you.

So trust the Lord always.

Trust the Lord because he is our Rock forever."

Isaiah 26:3-4NIV

Oh Lord, work the reality of these truths into my heart and life.
I can know them but I cannot make them a reality in my life.

Help me to love you more than anything else.
Amen

The Marriage Prayer

The Marriage Prayer

Dear Lord, 

please help me learn how to love with your love right now,

 right here in this marriage, in our difficult spots 

Help us to speak to the heart of each other
 instead of circling the periphery again and again. 

We love each other

We are committed to each other

We love our kids

We both want to make this work

We both want to trust God more

be filled with the Holy Spirit more

to be more Christlike

to be responsible

to be respectful

We both want to be cared for

loved

respected

close

a team

a unit with positive functioning dynamic

Help us Lord to connect with you and with one another
in the midst of the difficulties and conflicts of daily life:
 the pressures within and without,

the fears, the hurts, the misunderstandings,

and our beloved children
with all their own needs,
whom we love so much

There are so many wrong ways to go, 

help us to go your way

step by step 

moment by moment

response by response

Change is difficult

change takes time

especially when it is deep 

Give us patience and persistence

"Do not be weary in well doing,

for in due time we shall reap, 

if we faint not" Galatians 6:9

"Love suffers long and is kind"
I Corinthians 13:4a

 ^... speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head,that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:15

Oh lord, give us courage to say the true thing, the hard thing, the needed thing

not to smooth over what should not be smoothed over
but needs to be faced straight on, face forward and head on 

 no patronizing love

but to speak with care and concern 

with a mind to the other's benefit and well being

what is needful

what is helpful

constructive, practical, hopeful 

forward moving 

a path ahead

"Love bears all things,
 hopes all things,
 endures all things,

Love never fails"
1 Corinthians 13:8

You love simply because it is your nature to love

not because of any deserving in the objects or recipients

Ultimately, it is about you and not about them

You want to love me more fully in this difficult place 

and you want to love my spouse through me

Let not my spiritual arteries be clogged with bitterness, resentment, impossible expectations

you alone can meet all my needs

you alone can fill me

you alone can enable forgiveness

you alone can bring peace

you alone can give wisdom

no matter what happens

I will know and experience more of you 

as I respond in faith, trust, love, obedience

I cannot make myself do any of these things

but I ask you to fill me with your Holy Spirt 

and bring me closer to you

But Jesus beheld them and said to them,
 "With men these things are impossible,
 but with God all things are possible." 
Matthew 19:26

Is anything too hard for the Lord? 
Genesis 18:14

I am the LORD God of all the peoples of the world, is anything too hard for me?
Jeremiah 32:27 New Living Translation

I believe

I surrender all my demands, rights, fist thumpings

I believe

I love 

to make the impossible, possible

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility." Ephesians 2:14

There is no magic prayer, statement, conversation, book, seminar, retreat
 that can make this all neat, tidy and simple

but by your grace we will move forward 

step by step

moment by moment

response by response

and your glory can shine here