a tribute

"... Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his!" ( or hers)  Numbers 23:10 KJV


A tribute to my beloved Aunt Selma

she is ending her life cradled in the arms of God
Jesus is holding her in his beloved arms
sitting next to her
holding her hand

When all else fades away
awareness and cognizance dims and weakens

He is still there
still the same

When the connection to dear family and friends grows distant and breaks
He is still there
carrying her home

to the place he has prepared

but even how wonderful the place is 
and all the beloved ones there eagerly awaiting her arrival

It is you O, Lord that is our deepest relationship
our greatest joy
our most beloved place is to be with you

Selma knew you
she was not perfect in herself 
but she made the choice to trust in you
and what Jesus has done to make us able to know you

She spent a lifetime trusting you
listening to you
both receiving and giving your love

She was well beloved by so many
because she spent a lifetime 
seeking to love those God had put around her

I am one of those
I am so grateful the Lord has given us these 84 years with her
now it is time to let her go home to be with you

So many things clamor for my attention and focus and energy

but really only one thing matters
to know you and believe and receive your love
so deep that it changes us from the inside out

transforming how we view and interact with others. 

Yes, Lord, let me die the death of the righteous and let my last end be like his. 
These words were uttered by someone who though aware and desirous of this end, did not end this way. 

Help me Lord, to not be fooled by the false values and priorities that claim my days, my affections, my opportunities

Help me to see you and let this view the end that will come, shape my here and now. 
Reveal your self to me, far and above all that glitters and distracts
help me to see you, trust you and respond to you. 

Those who trust in you will never be put to shame. 

I will end with no sense of bitter loss but only of fullness and expectation of coming home to you. 

May she have this joy that you are with her, leading her through this difficult passing and will bring her home 
where she will see you face to face 
and know you even as she is known by you.
Amen

beautiful God part one

Why did this happen
Why did this happen now, here?
What is God doing here?
Why doesn't God answer my prayers?
Why did God allow this to happen?

These are all very painful questions

So much of what I experience seems random, pointless or even cruelly orchistarted

I believe what the Bible teaches:  An all powerful, all knowing, all wise God who is love
who is tender and compassionate and humble and sacrificial and amazingly beautiful

And yet I experience profound pain and deep agony and suffering, not only in my own life but also in the lives of those I know and love.

How can I live in truth and reality and empathy with those around me while maintaining a robust and vibrant faith and personal trust in this God I know to be the ultimate truth
the only enduring truth, the greatest reality that there is

It seems impossible to live in the tension between what we see as two opposing realities.

If God is good, how could he allow ___________
why do i pray and nothing at all seems to change and sometimes things even get worse

or I refuse to acknowledge the deep suffering and painful realities around me because i want to hang on to my belief in a loving God and I dismiss or deny the authenticity of what is happening

how to be authentic and genuine and also faithful to you O Lord

So many attempts to be true to who you are O Lord end up dismissing away the authenticity of the suffering  or trying to assign meaning to circumstances and events that diminish the reality of those in the middle of these tragedies

or worse yet, I know what it is like to blame the victim,  if only you had trusted God more, you just need to have more faith, if you would just obey him...   adding failure of faith to the burden that person is already being crushed by


the truth is your hurt hurts me and I want to try to explain it, avoid it, minimize it, assign meaning to it, explain it away in an attempt to protect myself lesson my own pain

how to genuinely walk in the midst of great human need with empathy and compassion and also maintain my trust in you lord.

Oh Lord to teach me and show me how to be geuinely human and genuinely trusting in you

Job
God had reasons but he never explained any of them to Job or anyone else either
Job's suffering was because God trusted him and knew him
All of Job's pain and lament and questioning was recorded for us
God values every word
even the unhelpful criticisms and "encouragemnts" of his friends that he must have done something wrong to have brought this upon himself and if he would only repent things would get better

at the end God reveals himself to Job by asking him questions designed to show Job that God was different and vastly superior to him.  Not what we think of as comfort

What Job needed most of all was to see and know who God is

to see that God is way above our feeble attempts to control or understand our lives
and interpret circumstances.

This is the only true place of comfort for the soul
to see who you are in all your power and glory
all your care and compassion
to be firm and steadfast in your character
and to leave the interpretation of events and happinstance to you alone
in your time and in your way

the only beautiful thing is only you Lord
I don't understand how ....
but I can know you
I can have a relationship
with you that does not change with tragedy hardship pain or sorrow
my situation relatioships circumstances may change drastically suddenly unexpectedly

my feelings and inner state may rise and fall and twist and turn with events and words and happenings
but you remain the same
as I know you, even as I may fluctuate down and up up and down
you remain
constant
steadfast
consistent
unchanging
beautiful
let me see you Lord
when I am filled with joy and overflowing with hope and love
 let me see you

when I am in the dark night of the soul and overwhelmed
let me see you

others may like me
others may despise me
others may seek me
others may ignore and avoid me

let me see you
you are beautiful Lord
John 11

Look up

i want to take a few minutes to share something beautiful

where it begins is not so lovely just yet...

 for some time now I have felt that there was little about myself or my life that was beautiful or attractive. You know all those negative voices and perspectives we so easily fall into. 

our hearts long for beauty and to be beautiful .

 what is truly beautiful?

 God is so beautiful 

to find what is truly most beautiful I need to look away from myself entirely

When the people of Israel were in the dessert, they experienced poisonous snakes that bit them and injected fatal venom.

  But God told Moses to make a bronze snake and put it up on a pole 

 whoever looked up to towards that was miraculously healed and lived 

even though they had the venom coursing through their veins.  

i have been thinking over this for many days.  How there is bitterness and toxicity in my soul that I cannot get out.

 Pain and hardness and anger and it is destructive to myself and those around me. 

But that snake on the pole was put there, right there in the midst for any to look up to and live. 

And how, there is something so beautiful and amazing and utterly transforming when I see Jesus. 

  All that negatively does not come from him. 

John 3:15 Moses lifted up the snake in the dessert.  The Son of man ( Jesus) must be lifted up also. 

 Then everyone who believes in him can be with God forever

this lifting up is referring to when Jesus was lifted up and put on the cross. 

v 16 God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son. Anyone 

who believes in him will not die but have eternal life.

There is a lot to talk about in this verse but see the beauty of the Lord

God loves who? the whole world, not just some and not others or part and not the whole,

 every person is someone God loves  God is not exclusionary or narrow or limited like we are.  

And his love is not some good feeling he is just sitting and having but his love gives, 

gives what is most precious to him, gives to those who don't even care 

a love that is passionate and actively seeking each one of us here today. 

God sees and values so differently that we do.

Jesus told a story to some people who were sure they were right with God. They looked down on everybody else.  he said to them, "two men went up to the temple to pray. One was a Pharisee (a highly esteemed religious leader).  The other was a tax collector ( they collected tax money and whatever else they wanted from their fellow countrymen to give to the Romans. They were greatly despised and universally hated. )

The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself. "God, I thank you that I am not like other people, " he said.  "I am not like robbers or those who do other evil things. I am not like those who commit adultery.  I am not even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. And I give a tenth of all I get. "

But the tax collector stood not very far away. he would not even look up to heaven.  He beat his chest and said, "God have mercy on me, I am a sinner. "

I tell you, the tax collector went home accepted by God . But not the Pharisee.  Everyone who lifts himself up will be brought down. And anyone who is brought down will be lifted up. Luke 18:9-14

We all feel insecure and are tempted to compare ourselves to others to try to make ourselves feel better. 

  I am sure every one of us has experienced what it is like to be around someone trying to do this,

 even in the midst of a community of those who trust in Jesus. 

But how beautiful is the Lord. 

 He is closest to us when we are most genuine about our need of him.

  No matter how this tax collector felt about himself or how others viewed him, God made him accepted and loved.

God can be seen and beautiful even in my areas of greatest need, lack and weakness.

  Dear Lord, 

You are beautiful.  You love us deeply, truly, passionately. 

 help us to see Jesus and our hearts will be drawn to him.  

heal the hurts that others have done to us in their brokenness and need and ours.

  transform us as we seek to let your truth penetrate into our deepest places. 

 Make yourself beautiful in each of us. 

and help us to build healthy relationships with others who can encourage us to trust in you. 

Bless each woman that is here

may she know that she is deeply valued and greatly loved. 

She may not feel it or see it. 

But it is true just as you are true. 

help us to step into that reality today by your grace. 

amen

Romans 5: 1-8 New International Version (NIV)

Peace and Hope

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b]boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Relationship Over Results

one of the worst whispers of the devil
is that what I am doing is pointless
accomplishing nothing
of no purpose at all

one of his most painful lies
is that my life is just a random occurrence
and a series of senseless happenings
no rhyme or reason
no purpose or intent

the other extreme can be just as painful
Believing God has personally and specifically orchestrated each and every word, action or event
easy to believe when i like what is happening
very painful to believe when the tragedy of human life hits me full on.

Trying to live in the tension of believing in a Sovereign and loving God
who is all powerful and all knowing and all loving
with the reality of experiencing life in a fallen world with broken beings capable of failure and sin and selfishness and cruelty.

And the seemingly randomness of events and happinstances

One day, God told a certain to go outside and push on a rock.
So, she did as he directed
she pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed
with all of her heart and all of her focus she pushed.

At the end of the day, she went before the Lord:
"Lord, I have pushed and pushed and the rock has not moved at all.
Not even the tiniest of movement has occured in any direction."

"My precious daughter," said the Lord, "I did not ask you to move the rock.
 I only asked you to push on it. You have done all that I have asked you to do. "

I relate with this little parable, because I find when I look for results in what I believe God wants me to be doing, I am easily discouraged or confused or disilllusioned

sometimes the things you seem to be doing or asking me to do seem to be pointless and futile

Then I looked, and there before me was the Lamb, standing on Mount Zion, and with him 144,000 who had his name and his Father’s name written on their foreheads. 2 And I heard a sound from heaven like the roar of rushing waters and like a loud peal of thunder. The sound I heard was like that of harpists playing their harps. 3 And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders. No one could learn the song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth. 4 These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they remained virgins. They follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They were purchased from among mankind and offered as firstfruits to God and the Lamb. 5 No lie was found in their mouths; they are blameless.

Rev 14:1-4 NIV

There is much I do not understand completely about this passage but it encourages me.
I see what you are getting Lord,  you are getting persons that love you
only by your grace and the sacrificial death of Jesus
but here are persons that love you

They have the Father's name on their foreheads
it is who they focus on
who they love
who they are becoming more and more like

you are everything to them

This is so beautiful
I want to be this

it lifts my focus from looking for objective results in the here and now
to yourself and what you deeply desire

those who love you



it is so easy to focus on results

coming to you as some giant ATM

punch the right buttons and what you want comes out

you have the resource  boundless and infinite
amen praise you Lord

but i don't want to be known by what I do for someone and neither do you

you want to be known and loved for who you are

sometimes the things you seem to be doing or asking me to do seem pointless and futile

but you are getting firstfruits for yourself

help me to let you have the big picture of what it all means
and for me to just draw near to you at all times

to know you and be known of you
to listen to you and to trust you

to the best of my ability and knowledge, do the things I believe you want me to

trusting all the results to you.

Knowing that you are my reward and by your grace I will be yours

I can always pour out all my desires and longings and expectations and the results I long for
to you

You will pour your heart into me and give me your desires and YOU

This is what my heart truly longs for and what you desire as well.

When they are making a mirror for a telescope it is the random action of rubbing it in an overall irregular motion that actually makes the mirror perfectly shaped to reflect.
Yes, Lord I trust you, even in the seemingly random motions of this life, that you are polishing a smooth surface to reflect you more and more clearly.

Amen

stability

stability is being firmly anchored to a strong unmovable foundation

The winds may blow
there may be turbulence all around
but there is stability within

I am not this and no one or no situation can be this for me

Human life is always vulnerable
to think and try to operate otherwise is a delusion

God allows situations to help us see this

When they were building the Washington Monument, which is a tall tower made of heavy stone, the builders thought the earth they were building on was firm enough to build on.  But after they had begun building, it became apparent that the dirt below the building was compressing unevenly and the entire building began to sink and tilt.

Before any further process could be made, they had to dig all around this base and foundation and dig trenches underneath it and then fill those trenches with concrete and even the building out and then put a strong concrete base all around this foundation to firmly hold it in place.   Only then could further progress be made

God is speaking to me through this.  To build up, one must first dig down and have stability.
What can bear the weight of life's burdens, it griefs and losses, its care for others, its injustices and sufferings?

Only Jesus

It crushes me and I become off balance

angry, withdrawn, depressed, despairing

anxious, driven, fearful and hostile

I want to be loving and kind
peaceful and stable

but I am up and down
driven here and there

I find it difficult to function
and I am difficult to be around

an endless cycle of losing it even on those I love the most
and then seeking to repair the damage
and then losing it again

I want to know Jesus in a way that delivers me from this

6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, 7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught,and overflowing with thankfulness.  Colossians 2"6-7 NIV



begin by receiving Jesus Christ into my life
putting my trust in Him
He is real
He is here
He cares for me
and has laid down his life as a perfect sacrifice so that I can have a relationship with him that is not dependent on anything about me

Let him dig down to build up           

stabilize this base of trust in Him

Make time for honest prayer and conversation with Him and letting His word into my deepest places

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7 :24 -27

Digging takes patience and persistence

this work of digging down does not happen all at once
or is necessarily simple or easy

it takes time
it proceeds incrementally
it disrupts
it unearths pain
truth I don't want to face

but this is the promise
that it will bring me to
a place of building on a strong foundation
that no storm can move me off of

Yes, Lord, help me to keep showing up for your digging in
your digging down

Digging is not glamorous work
it is dirty and laborious

there is muck to be excavated

it proceeds only incrementally

but there is His promise that there is a certain outcome if I persevere

11 Command and teach these things. 12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 13 Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. 14 Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

15 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. 16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Bedrock
a lot of this work is hidden and is between God and I
but this verse encourages me that it will bear fruit

Who am I in Christ
where do I go when I sin
am angry
ask the big questions
what is your calling in my life
what am I living for

this process takes time and I may not feel like anything is happening or changing but His promise is sure

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40 :1-3 NIV

Dear Lord,
Thank you that you lovingly seek us out when we are lost and far from you.  Thank you, you want to bring us to a firm foundation of trust and rest in you.  Help us to let your words penetrate deep down where you want to transform.  Help us to be honest with you and let you confront us and dig in.  Help us to keep coming to you, no matter what our sin and failure and discouragement or rage or bitterness or anxiety or pain. Thank you, you came to seek and to save that which is lost. Help us to let you take down all that we are trusting and relying on apart from you.  Bring us to rest in you.  Amen

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message (MSG)

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

The Deliverer

Luke 8:26-39 Holman

26 Then they sailed to the region of the Gerasenes,[e] which is opposite Galilee. 27 When He got out on land, a demon-possessed man from the town met Him. For a long time he had worn no clothes and did not stay in a house but in the tombs. 
28 When he saw Jesus, he cried out, fell down before Him, and said in a loud voice, “What do You have to do with me,[f] Jesus, You Son of the Most High God? I beg You, don’t torment me!” 29 For He had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. Many times it had seized him, and though he was guarded, bound by chains and shackles, he would snap the restraints and be driven by the demon into deserted places.

1. Luke 8:26 Other mss read the Gadarenes
2. Luke 8:28 Lit What to me and to You

I relate to this man - driven by inner torment

uncontrolled by any external constraint

living in deserted places 

among the dead

no connection to living persons

unable to live and function in community with others

this passage is difficult because it raises so many difficult questions

How did this man come to be in this condition?

Was it something of his own choice?

in our modern era we like to be able to explain things in terms of natural causes and assign problems to some level of human control or blame

This passage forces us to acknowledge there are forces beyond our control and understanding that do intersect with our existence

How? Why?  not sure

it is sanity to acknowledge there are tings beyond my limited understanding
not to make them a scapegoat 
but that their are malevolent forces that I cannot deliver myself from

What exactly is the dividing line between human weakness, frailty, failing
and powerful spiritual influences that bring torment?

I don't know

But Jesus came to this man

the man no one could help
no one control
no one reach 
soothe
calm 
reason with 
comfort 
or redirect

He was completely and utterly alone

driven to torment inside and out 

Oh Lord, 
I don't understand all of the whys or the hows of how I came to this place
but i relate to this man
so full of pain and fear and misery
terrified of even you 
who came with love and deliverance

Only you can help us, Jesus

Only you have both the power and the love to reach the unreachable
the tormented

Please help me to not run away and shut you out in my place of terror
It may be frightening and uncomfortable 
but you come to bring me to peace
you come to set me free

from what is all I know
from the familiar entrapments

Help me to let you in 
to let you work

Do your work of deliverance in me

30 “What is your name?” Jesus asked him.

“Legion,” he said—because many demons had entered him. 31 And they begged Him not to banish them to the abyss.

32 A large herd of pigs was there, feeding on the hillside. The demons begged Him to permit them to enter the pigs, and He gave them permission. 33 The demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned. 34 When the men who tended them saw what had happened, they ran off and reported it in the town and in the countryside. 

35 Then people went out to see what had happened. They came to Jesus and found the man the demons had departed from, sitting at Jesus’ feet, dressed and in his right mind. And they were afraid. 36 Meanwhile, the eyewitnesses reported to them how the demon-possessed man was delivered. 37 Then all the people of the Gerasene region[g] asked Him to leave them, because they were gripped by great fear. So getting into the boat, He returned.

Oh Lord, 
we pray for change
for transformation 
for revival

but when you work your wonderful work
we become more terrified than we were before

because you are amazing 
and we cannot explain or control you

it threatens the fragile realities we try to construct 
to shelter us from what we cannot understand

You came in love 
to this whole region

but only one experiences your great deliverance
only one 
was brought 
to peace
covering 
and a right mind

Oh Lord 
help us to not ask you to leave
when we are frightened out of our wits
by the unknown
by you

You are so gracious
you listened to their request
you left 

Please don't leave me, Jesus

I need you 
and there is no other
like you

38 The man from whom the demons had departed kept begging Him to be with Him. But He sent him away and said, 39 “Go back to your home, and tell all that God has done for you.” And off he went, proclaiming throughout the town all that Jesus had done for him.

Oh, Lord, 
thank you
because you died for us
we never have to be sent away from you

we can always be with you
no matter what our situation 
no matter how we feel
no matter what others may be saying and doing
or how they view us

you have made a way for us to abide in you 
as we are honest with you 
in confessing our sins and our need 
and trusting what you alone have done

Thank you, you just want us to share what you have done
we don't have to convince anyone
or change anyone
just tell the truth
of who we are 
of who you are
of what we know you have done

you are reaching out in love to those around us
even to those who have known us well in our deepest torments

Oh Lord, 
I love you
you are so wonderful
thank you for loving me 
and seeking me out even in my torments
for bringing me to 
sitting at your feed, 
clothed
and in my right mind. 
a mind of worship and gratitude 
to you

Amen

2 Timothy 1:7

KJ21

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

ASV

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline.

AMP

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].