Loved and Beloved

Linking up with Jo Ann Fore at 
http://joannfore.com/your-story-matters/calm-down-2/
a wonderful site where I have found a beautiful community of women wanting to share our lives together and love and encourage one another.

Also linking with Emily Wierenga at
http://www.emilywierenga.com/2013/11/love-is-calloused-and-imperfect-prose.html                           

and with Bonnie Gray at
Faith Barista at http://www.faithbarista.com/

Loved and Beloved

^9-13 While Jacob was in conversation with them, Rachel came up with her father’s sheep. She was the shepherd. The moment Jacob spotted Rachel, daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, saw her arriving with his uncle Laban’s sheep, he went and single-handedly rolled the stone from the mouth of the well and watered the sheep of his uncle Laban. Then he kissed Rachel and broke into tears. He told Rachel that he was related to her father, that he was Rebekah’s son. She ran and told her father. When Laban heard the news—Jacob, his sister’s son!—he ran out to meet him, embraced and kissed him and brought him home. Jacob told Laban the story of everything that had happened.

^14-15 Laban said, “You’re family! My flesh and blood!”

When Jacob had been with him for a month, Laban said, “Just because you’re my nephew, you shouldn’t work for me for nothing. Tell me what you want to be paid. What’s a fair wage?”

^16-18 Now Laban had two daughters; Leah was the older and Rachel the younger. Leah had nice eyes, but Rachel was stunningly beautiful. And it was Rachel that Jacob loved.

So Jacob answered, “I will work for you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.”

¹⁹ “It is far better,” said Laban, “that I give her to you than marry her to some outsider. Yes. Stay here with me.”

²⁰ So Jacob worked seven years for Rachel. But it only seemed like a few days, he loved her so much.

^21-24 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife; I’ve completed what we agreed I’d do. I’m ready to consummate my marriage.” Laban invited everyone around and threw a big feast. At evening, though, he got his daughter Leah and brought her to the marriage bed, and Jacob slept with her. (Laban gave his maid Zilpah to his daughter Leah as her maid.)

²⁵ Morning came: There was Leah in the marriage bed!

Jacob confronted Laban, “What have you done to me? Didn’t I work all this time for the hand of Rachel? Why did you cheat me?”

^26-27 “We don’t do it that way in our country,” said Laban. “We don’t marry off the younger daughter before the older. Enjoy your week of honeymoon, and then we’ll give you the other one also. But it will cost you another seven years of work.”

^28-30 Jacob agreed. When he’d completed the honeymoon week, Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. (Laban gave his maid Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maid.) Jacob then slept with her. And he loved Rachel more than Leah. He worked for Laban another seven years.

^31-32 When God realized that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb. But Rachel was barren. Leah became pregnant and had a son. She named him Reuben (Look-It’s-a-Boy!). “This is a sign,” she said, “that God has seen my misery; and a sign that now my husband will love me.”

^33-35 She became pregnant again and had another son. “God heard,” she said, “that I was unloved and so he gave me this son also.” She named this one Simeon (God-Heard). She became pregnant yet again—another son. She said, “Now maybe my husband will connect with me—I’ve given him three sons!” That’s why she named him Levi (Connect). She became pregnant a final time and had a fourth son. She said, “This time I’ll praise God.” So she named him Judah (Praise-God). Then she stopped having children.

30 When Rachel realized that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She told Jacob, “Give me sons or I’ll die!”

² Jacob got angry with Rachel and said, “Am I God? Am I the one who refused you babies?”

^3-5 Rachel said, “Here’s my maid Bilhah. Sleep with her. Let her substitute for me so I can have a child through her and build a family.” So she gave him her maid Bilhah for a wife and Jacob slept with her. Bilhah became pregnant and gave Jacob a son.

^6-8 Rachel said, “God took my side and vindicated me. He listened to me and gave me a son.” She named him Dan (Vindication). Rachel’s maid Bilhah became pregnant again and gave Jacob a second son. Rachel said, “I’ve been in an all-out fight with my sister—and I’ve won.” So she named him Naphtali (Fight).

^9-13 When Leah saw that she wasn’t having any more children, she gave her maid Zilpah to Jacob for a wife. Zilpah had a son for Jacob. Leah said, “How fortunate!” and she named him Gad (Lucky). When Leah’s maid Zilpah had a second son for Jacob, Leah said, “A happy day! The women will congratulate me in my happiness.” So she named him Asher (Happy).

¹⁴ One day during the wheat harvest Reuben found some mandrakes in the field and brought them home to his mother Leah. Rachel asked Leah, “Could I please have some of your son’s mandrakes?”

¹⁵ Leah said, “Wasn’t it enough that you got my husband away from me? And now you also want my son’s mandrakes?”

Rachel said, “All right. I’ll let him sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son’s love-apples.”

^16-21 When Jacob came home that evening from the fields, Leah was there to meet him: “Sleep with me tonight; I’ve bartered my son’s mandrakes for a night with you.” So he slept with her that night. God listened to Leah; she became pregnant and gave Jacob a fifth son. She said, “God rewarded me for giving my maid to my husband.” She named him Issachar (Bartered). Leah became pregnant yet again and gave Jacob a sixth son, saying, “God has given me a great gift. This time my husband will honor me with gifts—I’ve given him six sons!” She named him Zebulun (Honor). Last of all she had a daughter and named her Dinah.

^22-24 And then God remembered Rachel. God listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and had a son. She said, “God has taken away my humiliation.” She named him Joseph (Add), praying, “May God add yet another son to me.”

Genesis 29:10 - 30:24 The Message

To be cherished and beloved
to be desired and wanted
to have someone so love you and want to be with you that seven years of work seem like only a few days
this is all I have ever wanted
this is all Leah so earnestly desired

and yet what she experienced was
a father who instead of valuing her as precious and valuable,
put her in an impossible situation for his own gain

a husband who had never wanted her in the first place
trading one night of cheished love making for a lifetime of alienation
even after years of service and many children Jacob still did not even refer to her as his wife
he gave her what duty required but no more
he had  never chosen her and never desired her

a relationship with her sister marked by increasing bitterness,
strife and competition

I so relate to Leah and her struggles
I feel like my whole life has just been one long pursuit of trying to feel loved and beloved
Just like Leah, year after year, hoping marriage, children, meaningful work or accomplishments
will ____________

I just keep trying
I cannot seem to stop thinking
maybe this
maybe now
maybe then
maybe here
maybe there

maybe at this church
maybe at this biblestudy
maybe in this small group
maybe in this homegroup

I find, as did Leah, the great struggle of my life, in this season,
 is to not succumb to bitterness and resentment
competition and strife
manipulation and seeking to control others
withdrawl and coldness
rage and wrath

Like Leah, most of the big decisions of my life have already been made
my perameters are in place
the transformation must come from within

I can look back and blame or accuse but the fact remains
this is where I am
this is how the choices of others have affected me
this is what I have committed myself to
the decisions I have made

I need you
I need your love so desperately 
day in and day out
the need is so deep
apart from you
there is no hope at all

So many things that used to make me feel good about myself
on which I relied to feel meaningful, purposeful
attractive, useful
loved and beloved

have all been stripped away
my sense of having a competent mind
my sense of having a face and appearance that is attractive to others
my sense of being able to be pleasant company and a good friend
having a body that I felt was attractive, athletic, strong and healthy

an ability to be organized, efficient, productive with my time and energies
an ability to keep a tidy, hygenic living environment
an ability to relax and enjoy life
an ability to be graceful, gracious, thankful, keep a positive outlook
to be thankful , cheerful, easy-going
I feel stripped of all this

naked and humiliated and repulsive to all

ashamed

And yet I know you seek through all this to bring me to yourself

to a relationship where I am desired, loved and beloved

not because of any of those things

not because they are wrong

but only because they are fragile

they can be lost in a moment by sickness, tragedy, the selfishness of others, death

I believe you want me to find all my need, all my identity 

all my sense of worth and value and being precious

not from anything I do or don't 

anything I am or am not

but from you and you alone

You alone are the Fountain

the Unchanging Rock that nothing can move

no matter what my past

no matter what my circumstances

no matter what my failures

no matter what my lack

You are the source

you are the deep well 

In this is love

not that we loved God,

but that he loved us

and gave his Son to be 

the propitiation

for our sins.

I John 4:10 NKJV

This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.    I John 4:9-10 The Message

None of us deserve your love

none of us can earn your love

you desire us

not because of us

but because of 

who you are

and what you are able to do

and what Christ has done

therefore we are secure 

when we trust in you alone

'The LORD your God 

in your midst

The Mighty One 

will save, 

He will rejoice over you

with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love, 

He will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

"The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying

Yes, I have loved you

with an everlasting love,

Therefore with cords of lovingkindness

I have drawn you."

Jeremiah 31:3 NKJV

"... How I bore you 

on eagles wings and brought you 

to Myself."

Exodus 19:4 NKJV

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? 

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. 

I’ll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

"Beloved, if God so love us, we also ought to love one another."

I John 4:11 NKJV

Oh Lord, 

may we truly believe and receive your love

into every nook and cranny

every hidden place

every place of shame

and lack 

and hurt 

and disappointment

let your love overwhelm

amaze

transform

from the inside out

a firm foundation

to completely change

our every encounter

with every other person 

we encounter

to change 

everything about us

so that we may 

know your enabling

to love others

in the same way 

you have loved us.

Hallelujah!!



related post:
http://christslovetoyou.blogspot.com/2013/07/it-really-is-impossible-woohoo.html

Deep calls to Deep

 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls, all your waves and breakers have swept over me. Psalm 42:7 NIV

Speaking up for those who have no voice

for those who suffer in silence, in darkness, in obscurity

for those who have heard the lying words saying 'you are just an accident'
a random occurrence
you were not wanted
you are not important
no one cares for you
your life is not significant
 it would be better off without you
no one wants you
no one even notices you
no one even cares

you are meaningless and insignificant


God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made
created to know and love me
perfectly fashioned to flourish in my love
to display my  wonders and glory
to dwell in my depths

you are no accident
you have value and meaning because of me
it matters little what others think or say
it matters what I think and say

I am God that
I created light out of darkness
life out of void
meaning our of purposelessness

come know me

Come pour out your suffering, your agony, your pain your confusion, your questions
I am here
I care for you
I am listening

"We will tell others that there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still" 
said by Betsie Ten Boom in the Ravensbruk concentration camp under the power of the Nazis
"They will believe us because we were here!"  The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

Love speaks out
to those who are reeling from the effects of unspeakable violence
to those who have had their voice taken away before it was even formed
to those who have had taken from them what they did not even know they had yet
to those who suffer from unthinkable cruelty
to those who see no hope of any kind
to those who cry, how can there be a loving God who has the power wisdom and ability to change __________ and yet did not intervene
did not prevent
why was I not spared this horrible life shattering experience?

I do not know
we cannot answer
but the same one we accuse

God says

I did not spare my own son
I did not spare myself
I gave him to suffer
I gave him to those who were cruel, heartless, intent on murdering the innocent to save themselves

I did not intervene

Christ Jesus suffered for sins once for all 

the just for the unjust, that he might bring us back to God. I Peter 3:18

He who spared not his own son,

 but freely gave him up  for us, How shall he not freely give us all things? Romans 8:32

a God that we could understand would be too small to meet our needs (unknown source)

deep need
I believe God is love
I also know horrible things happen
inexplicable
unspeakable
incredible
seemingly random, entirely avoidable, many times apparently meaningless
we are all helpless really to keep our own lives from harm, suffering, loss
totally helpless to keep those we love

we need the deep of God in the depths of our need

for those whose voices have been silenced by violence
some even before they had a voice

there is more than this life
there is more than we see and know

the depths of God
God hears the voice of those who cry out
of those we can no longer hear
they are not hidden from God

God is just
God is justice
God is truth
there is nothing hidden from him
there is nothing that can be excused, denied or avoided before him
He does not forget
no matter how much time has passed

For our God is a consuming fire Hebrews 12:29

mercy and truth together
there is a coming day
when all that is now murky and obscure will be completely revealed
every hidden thing
all will be exposed for what it truly is
brought into the light of his perfect light and truth and justice and mercy

and the truth is that we all need mercy

this life is not all that there is
there is more than we can see or know

there is always God
God who so loved

God who so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that anyone who believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

¹⁰ Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.¹¹ Truth shall spring out of the earth; and righteousness shall look down from heaven.Psalm 85 :11 KJV

only God can do this!
mercy and truth together

A perpetual fountain 
What is there that is certain and unchanging?
What treasure can never be stolen away, or corrupted

That can never be taken away
can never change
a continual fountain of 

hope,

mercy,

love,

truth, 

power, 

resource, 

wisdom 

anything else I so desperately need

Deep calls to Deep

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you... James 4:8

what can I do?

know God

let this change everything
live in truth and love empowered by the Holy Spirit

see and treat all persons
as precious and valuable
because of Him
worthy of dignity and respect
consideration and compassion
truth and mercy

42 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So pants my soul for You, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?^[b]
3 My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
“Where is your God?”

⁴ When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and praise,
With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.^[c]

⁶ O my God,^[d] my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
And from the heights of Hermon,
From the Hill Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
⁸ The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me—
A prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
¹⁰ As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 42:1 Hebrew Maschil
2. Psalm 42:2 Following Masoretic Text and Vulgate; some Hebrew manuscripts, Septuagint, Syriac, and Targum read I see the face of God.
3. Psalm 42:5 Following Masoretic Text and Targum; a few Hebrew manuscripts, Septuagint, Syriac, and Vulgate read The help of my countenance, my God.
4. Psalm 42:6 Following Masoretic Text and Targum; a few Hebrew manuscripts, Septuagint, Syriac, and Vulgate put my God at the end of verse 5.

Fear Not, I am Father God

The true children of God are those who let God's Spirit lead them. The Spirit that we received is not a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear. The Spirit that we have makes us children of God. And with that Spirit we say, 'Father, dear Father'. Romans 8:14-15  International Children's Bible

fear says, "what you dread most will happen to you and you cannot prevent it..."
fear says,  "no one will help you..."
"you will be all alone..."
"no one really cares for you..."

fear says, "this will all be for nothing..."
"all your hard work will come to ruin..."
"your life is not significant or meaningful..."

God says, "I am your loving Father." (John 1:10-12)
"No matter what happens, I will be with you." (Isaiah 43)
"I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Jesus says, "I know what it is like to suffer bitter betrayal, rejection and loss
Even vicious cruelty, hatred and unspeakable violence
I have borne the rage of the religious, the self-justified

I know what it is to feel utterly forsaken
to lose what is most dearest to your heart

There is meaning even in your deepest grief and loss
your overwhelming sense of confusion and despair

there is meaning you cannot see or feel yet
but that does not mean it does not exist
there is meaning because of me not you or anyone else

Jesus answered, 'I am the way. And I am the truth, and I am the life. The only way to the Father is through me. John 14:6 ICB

what looked like a terrible defeat and  a powerless victim was really the hour of triumph
for it made a way for us to be together

For Christ also suffered once for sins, 

the righteous for the unrighteous, 

to bring you to God. I Peter 3:18 NIV

Hush my child, I am here

I am strong

I am wise

I have ample provision

I will be with you

I care for you (I Peter 5:7)

I love you

no matter what you may suffer in this life

it has an end point

for I will wipe away all tears

We will be together forever

it is only a little while you are here

trust me

I will make your little while count for eternity

no matter how insignificant, random or meaningless it appears to you now

come here to me and crawl up in my lap

you can tell me all about __________

rest your weary head

and let me rock you to sleep

to read Isaiah 43: 

http://christslovetoyou.blogspot.com/2013/04/43-but-now-this-is-what-lord-he-who.html

From Richard Rohr: "In Jesus, God achieved the perfect synthesis of the divine and the human. The incarnation of Jesus demonstrates that God meets us where we are as humans. God freely and fully overcomes the gap from God’s side. The problem of redemption is already resolved once and for all, long before its dramatic illustration on the cross. Bethlehem already revealed that it was good to be a human being.

For the Christian, spiritual power is always hidden inside of powerlessness, just as God was hidden and yet revealed in a defenseless baby. If God is ever to be loved and shared, God had to risk both human embodiment and human vulnerability. This is the only thing that enchants and evokes the human heart. We do not properly fall in love with concepts or theological ideas (although some do try); persons fall in love with other persons.

In a weak little child, God is both perfectly hidden and perfectly revealed—and fully lovable."

A Theology of womanhood

A Theology of Womanhood

I cannot define my life by what I do
 or how much I do
 or even where I do
 for my kids
 for my husband
for my friends, neighbors, co-workers, family
 what kind of ministry or acts of service I participate in
      or even desire to participate in
how clean my house is (or isn't!)
how my kids behave
what my kids decide to believe or do with their lives

I cannot define my life by my relationships or the lack thereof
 with my husband
 with my kids
 how many friends I have ( or don't have!)
 with influential people whether Christian or not
political or not
social or not

I cannot define my life by how I look (or don't!)
 my face
 my body
 what I wear
 how fit I am ( or am not!)

I cannot define my life by what I possess
  what level of education I have
  what I read ( or don't!)
  where I live
  what I drive
  what I own
  what I wear

I cannot define my life by what I eat or make
 healthy (or not!)
 homemade (or not!)
 impressive (or not!)

I cannot define my life by what others think of me
 or even what I perceive that they think
 or even what I think about myself

I cannot even define my life by what I think, necessarily
 what I think of myself
 what I can figure out by myself
 how I handle suffering, conflict, trouble

what body of believers I am a part of
what I believe about issues
what communities I am a part of
how I pray (or don't!) or even how much I pray
how much I read my Bible (or don't!)

who I listen to or follow
what I write (or don't!)
who reads what I write ( or who doesn't!)
whether I have have published (or not!
whether I have ever been invited to speak (or not!)
what comments I get (or don't!) on anything I write
what reviews I get (or don't!)

I cannot define my life by what qualities I think I posses in some measure (or don't!)
patience
kindness
understanding
wisdom
love
compassion
humility
truthfulness
cheerfulness
friendliness
being fun-loving or athletic
having a great sense of humor
or a quick wit

I can only define my life by who Jesus Christ is and what He has done

The love of Christ controls us. Because we know the One died for all. So all have died. Christ died for all so that those who live would not continue to live for themselves. He died for them and was raised from death so that they would live for him. 

Fro this time on we do not think of anyone as the world does...If anyone belongs to Christ, then he is made new. The old things have gone, everything is made new!

All this is from God. Through Christ, God made peace between us and himself. And God gave us the work of bringing everyone into peace with him. I mean that God was in Christ making peace between the world and himself. 

In Christ, God did not hold the world guilty of it sins. And he gave us this message of peace. So we have been to speak for Christ. 

It is as if God is calling to you through us. 

We speak for Christ when we beg you to be at peace with God. 

Christ had no sin. But God made him become sin. God did this for us so that in Christ we could become right with God. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 

trying to find meaning, significance and identity in any of these even good and beautiful things or ways is like the person who built his house on the sand.

 It may look beautiful, impressive, clean! attractive for quite a while but when the storms of life come, and the shifting sands of time and change erode underneath, it all comes crashing down.

It didn't matter how big, strong, beautiful or even how well connected the house was to other strong structures.
A soft shifting, easily-moved base undermined it all...

there was no permanent, abiding, unchanging foundation

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a sensible man who builds his house on the rock. Down came the rain and up came the floods, while the winds blew and roared upon that house - and it did not fall because it foundations were on the rock.

And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not follow them can be compared with a foolish man who built his house on the sand. Down came the rain and up came the floods, while the winds blew and battered that house till it collapsed and fell with a great crash.

Matthew 7:24-27 Phillips

in fact, so many of these beautiful and wonderful things have become a source of insecurity, depression, comparison, shame and condemnation

or worse yet they have become a source of pride, self-righteousness and contempt or despising of others in my life

It is not everyone who keeps saying to me, 'Lord, Lord,  who will enter the kingdom of Heaven , but he man who actually does my Heavenly Father's will.  

In that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, didn't we preach in your name, didn't we cast out devils in your name, and do many great things in your name?" Then I shall tell them plainly, 'I have never known you. Go away from me, you have worked on the side of evil." Matthew 7:21-23

This is such a strong passage and much about it, I cannot explain, but I love the fact that Jesus is emphasizing a intimate and loving relationship with him. And I am encouraged that really, I only need to do the things that Jesus is asking me to do. This is not easy to know,but it is comforting that really, a great deal of what I feel driven to do, is not actually required at all. Aren't my desires to feel meaningful, righteous, significant, loved what cause me to overextend myself with impossible expectations and demands?
to find Jesus to be my meaning, doesn't it free me to meet even the small, mundane, trivial tasks of life with confidence that He will infuse them with life and meaning beyond what I can see or feel right now?

When I don't be and act from this sure foundation, I feel strained and anxous. Seeking something to fulfill me in others or in what I do, I strain the relationships of those closest to me because I am anxious to try to fit in things that don't really fit into the available time and space or resources that are currently available. And I invariably set myself up for disappointment because however wonderful something may be for a moment, the plain fact is that I need fresh love, meaning, hope, significance all the time and the only relationship with a perpetual and everlasting fountain of these things is God himself. No friendship, husband, children, job, ministry, vacation, physical shape or appearance can sustain what my heart needs.

But when I am constantly turning to him to constantly provide what I need then I can find him to be the I AM God, always becoming that which his people need. It is that foundation from which I can love others, be a true friend, a consistent and loving parent, a loving wife, serve in a ministry no matter how that relationship or service turns out. It may go amazingly well, exceeding even my high expectations. It may be agonizingly difficult with no end in sight. I might be misunderstood, I might be appreciated. Whatever the result I have a sure foundation that none of these things can ever change!  And I am free to really love with his love because I am not putting the burden of having to meet my deep and constant need on some other person or ministry etc.
Love has to be free to be love.

I find it is these issues of my heart that fuel envy, jealousy, perfectionism
it is my own desires for love, meaning, community, fulfillment that can
ruin relationships
tear apart families
 even communities of those who believe
causing me to become my own agent of destruction
destroying even those things I wished so desperately to build

The wise woman builds her house,

    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. 

Proverbs14:1 NIV

these wonderful things can become barriers that keep me isolated and alone even when surrounded by other women, moms, believers
silenced into a deep and all pervading sense of shame
not being worthy
not measuring up to any one's standard, especially my own

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16 NIV

Isn't this the way to true womanhood? true community?
 When I am free to be honest and without shame for my faults, weaknesses, needs and struggles?
  And free to let others be free to be who God is forming them to be, in His own time and way?
  Do we not then have a sure foundation on which to meet and connect that has nothing to do with us at all?

Oh how I want this sure foundation
to let the truth of God's word permeate my thinking
my view of myself
what I do
and how
and why

No! We will speak the truth with love. We will grow up in every way to be like Christ, who is the head. the whole body depends on Christ. And all the parts of the body are joined and held together. Each part of the body does it own work. And this makes the whole body grow and be strong with love. Ephesians 4:15-16 International Children's Bible

Oh Lord, only you can work these truths deep into my being so that a strong foundation can be built so that you can build your beauty in me
in who I become in Christ
no matter where I am 
or what I am doing 
or who I am with 
or who is noticing
or what anyone else thinks

Thomas Merton said that the way we have structured our lives, we spend our whole life climbing up the ladder of supposed success, and when we get to the top of the ladder we realize it is leaning against the wrong wall—and there is nothing at the top anyway.

My people have committed two sins, They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water. Jeremiah 2:13 NIV

help me to let go of my broken cisterns and drink the pure water of your word
absorb your truth into every facet of my life and relationships
truly transforming me from the inside out
building on a sure foundation

In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. Ephesians 2:21 NAS

³⁷ On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. ³⁸ Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”^[a] 39 By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified.  John 7:37-39 NIV

Footnotes:

1. John 7:38
 Or me. And let anyone drink ³⁸ who believes in me.” As Scripture has said, “Out of him (or them) will flow rivers of living water.”

I waited patiently for the Lord.
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of destruction,
out of the sticky mud.
He stood me on a rock,
He made my feet steady.
He put a new song in my mouth,
It was a song of praise to our God.
Many people will see this and worship him.
then they will trust the Lord.  Psalm 40 :1-4 ICB

I

Your Glory instead of my shame

  "Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split,' imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified."^[8]^ Herman, Judith Lewis (2007), "Shattered Shame States and their Repair", The John Bowlby Memorial Lecture

What you think still hurts... even when you never say a word...

Sometimes I wish you would utter what you think, because then there is the opportunity for change, for truth to be reached for, struggled over and ultimately triumphed in....

I cannot change what you think...

I can only let God change what I think.... and how I respond to you


I love this passage below because Jesus is reaching out to a man named Simon and a whole group of those present. He did this by addressing their thoughts, that were never utter aloud!
I also love this passage because what Jesus thought about her mattered more to this one woman than a whole house of those she would never dare go near otherwise...

    One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him. Jesus went into the Pharisee's house and sat down at the table. A sinful woman in the town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house. So she brought an alabaster jar of perfume. She stood at Jesus' feet, crying , and began to wash his feel with her tears. She dried his feet with her hair, kissed them many times and rubbed them with them with the perfume. The Pharisee who asked Jesus to come to his house saw this. He thought to himself, 'If  Jesus were a prophet, he would know that the woman who is touching him is a sinner!"

              Jesus said to the Pharisee, 'Simon, I have something to say to you.'

    Simon said, 'Teacher, tell me.'

    Jesus said, ' There were two men. Both men owed money tot he same banker. One man owed the banker 500 silver coins. THe other man owed the banker 50 silver coins. The men had no money; so they could not pay what they owed. But the banker told the men that they did not have to pay him. Which one of the two men will love the banker more?

     Simon, the Pharisee, answered, 'I think it would be the one who owed him the most money.'

     Jesus said to Simon, 'You are right.'

     Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave me no water for my feet.  

But she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. 

You did not kiss me, but she has been kissing my feet since I came in!

           You did not rub my head with oil, but she rubbed my feet with perfume.

           I tell you that her many sins are forgiven.

           This is clear because she showed great love.

           But the person who has only a little to be forgiven will feel only a little love.'

Then Jesus said to her, 'Your sins are forgiven.' 

The people sitting at the table began to think to themselves,                                         'Who is this man? How can he forgive sins?'

Jesus said to the woman, 'Because you believed, you are saved from your sins. 

Go in peace.'"

           Luke 7:36-50 International Children's Bible (emphasis added)

Your God says,"Comfort , comfort my people, Speak kindly to the people of Jerusalem....
This is the voice of a man who calls out
'Prepare in the desert the way for the Lord.
Make the road in the dry lands straight for our God.
Every valley should be raised up.
Every mountain and hill should be made flat.
The rough ground should be made level.
The rugged ground should be made smooth.
Then the glory of the Lord will be shown.
All people together will see it.'
The Lord himself, said these things.

       Isaiah 40:1, 3-5 ICB

I have always loved this passage because, to me, it shows the multifaceted way God is working in my life and most powerfully in how I think. 
How I think about myself
How I think about myself with others
How i think about the situations and relationships I am in

How I am like this passage describes...
some parts a deep valley that needs filling in and raising up, sad and despondent
some parts a high strong mountain, proud and obstinate, that needs to be lowered
some parts twisted and crooked, deceptive and defensive
some parts rough and bumpy, angry and hurt

How I am at times like the woman with the perfume and at others like Simon, who did not understand the depth of his need and what Jesus wanted to do.
How beautiful you are, Jesus, that you know and understand all and want to bring it all to what you are thinking
about me
about others
about this relationship
about this situation

It is not enough to try to keep my mouth shut and try to avoid the negative and destructive thoughts and emotions within

Jesus spoke directly with Simon the Pharisee about what he was thinking

I need time with you to let what I feel and think be aired in the fresh air and sunlight of your love and truth
in the darkness it is festering and the blow up and out will come

it takes so much energy to try to keep negative emotions at bay
under wraps, to try to keep them from ruining relationships

I no longer have the energy for this

I need to let my soul be open and vulnerable before you
to let the hurts, anger, bitterness, struggles, judgements and criticism 
float up and out on the wings of prayer

to just be honest about what comes up

you are not asking me to fix it or even to try to soften it 

but to just be honest
to articulate
to not deny
to keep it all before you
with open face and hands and mind
(writewhereithurts.org has been such a help to me here!!!)

Oh how I love so many times, I don't even understand what I feel or why
but as I read your word, you put it into words for me
you explain to me what I feel and why

all you ask of me is some time to let it rise up and out
and to agree with your truth as you show it to me
to let your truth alter what I think is true

then there is no infection
the wound is clean and the doctor can heal
the medicine can reach the needy area

“Yet the number of the children of IsraelShall be as the sand of the sea,Which cannot be measured or numbered.And it shall come to passIn the place where it was said to them,‘You are not My people,’^[a]There it shall be said to them,‘You are sons of the living God.’

1. Hosea 1:10 Hebrew lo-ammi (compare verse 9) Hosea 1:10 NKJV

I love this verse! In the very place where the people of Israel had so grieved God's heart, it was there that God said he would get what he had so wanted all along!
It is when I see no way for God to get what he wants in my life or even in someone else, that God is so able to work!

⁹ To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable:¹⁰ “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’¹⁴ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”  Luke 18 :9-14

How amazing you are! 
The one who seems or even feels farthest from you, is actually closest!

How frightening that when I can think and feel myself so very close to you, that I can be so far away and completely unaware!

Oh how we need you!

The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed. 

Genesis 2:25 ICB

Oh to have this kind of open, face to face, all is known, all is loved intimacy and community with you and with one another!

To have this with you, God above, can only bring greater authenticity, communion, intimacy and connection with others as well. 

As I bring all before you, let you sift, sort, confront, comfort, encourage, inspire, convict and change, I will be brought closer to you and how you think.
This can not avoid affecting those I interact with.

You will show me what needs to be said, how to say it and when

Your love covers me
You are my hiding place
Your glory shines out
You are seen and not me

I am known and being known without shame!

"The Lord is the Spirit.

And where the Spirit of the Lord is, 

there is freedom. 

Our faces then, are not covered.

We all show the Lord's glory,

and we are being changed to be like him. 

This change in us brings more and more glory, 

And it comes from the Lord, 

who is Spirit." 

II Corinthians 3:17-18

New International Version I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. New Living Translation I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. English Standard Version And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. New American Standard Bible  "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, Holman Christian Standard Bible I will take you to be My wife forever. I will take you to be My wife in righteousness, justice, love, and compassion.  International Standard Version I will make you my wife forever— I will make you my wife in a way that is righteous, in a manner that is just, by a love that is gracious, and by a motive that is mercy. NET Bible I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion.  GOD'S WORD® Translation "Israel, I will make you my wife forever. I will be honest and faithful to you. I will show you my love and compassion.