"I don't need to give you a shot of novicaine because the tooth is already dead"
announced the dentist today as he proceeded to turn on his drill.
Such a strange sensation to know and hear him drilling on my tooth
and yet I could not feel anything except the vibration and my own apprehension.
Although it was pretty cool to not need a shot in the tender and sensitive area of my mouth,
it was unnerving to know something once living is now lifeless and dead.
no longer sensitive to either hot or cold, pain or pleasure
indifferent
apathetic
removed from what makes us human, alive
a powerful metaphor to my soul as I find through the years,
I wish to try to shield myself from the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is err to."
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
like thick fat blubber insulating my soul
little by little
layer by layer
year after year
day after day
hurt after hurt
I become encased in layer after layer of bouncy rubber
coated in teflon
nothing sticks anymore
nothing penetrates
very little gets through
neither love nor hurt
neither blessing nor anguish
I remain distant, removed
isolated
cocooned
safe, cozy
enveloped in my own self-absorbed soul
a swollen, bloated, empty, rubber balloon
but vacant and isolated
so empty and numb
indifferent
apathetic
in conversation
I can feel myself tense up
panic slowly building
I want to run fast and far away
climb into my personal bunker and slam the door shut behind me
shut everyone and everything out
including you
Help me to run to you instead
help me to run to your embrace
to your waiting smile
your open arms
your lap that waits for me to crawl up into it
your loving grin of pleasure as you see me
listen to me tell all
wrapped with your loving embrace
a place to tell you all my fears
all my stress, panic, my fears and all that overwhelms
you will listen
you will comfort
you will calm
you will help me remain human
open vulnerable
honest truthful
only you can do this
I cannot
I can only cry to you for help not to barracade myself in my bunker
but to pour out my soul to you
keep takling
keep praying
keep my soul exposed and running to you
If I stop, I will freeze
slowly but surely
lose sensation
go numb
mindless
motionless
dead
In "To Build A Fire" by Jack London, the man thought he didn't need anybody else, that he could do it alone.also ("Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost - such a great poem)
But it was colder than he realized and when he needed help, it was too far away.
Let the passion and pain keep me alive by pouring it out to you!
Even anger can be a good thing when it helps me open up my soul to you.
Pain teaches a most counterintuitive thing—that we must go down before we even know what up is. It is first an ordinary wound before it can become a sacred wound. Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and our ignorance. I would define suffering very simply as “whenever you are not in control.”
All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. If your religion is not showing you how to transform your pain, it is junk religion. It is no surprise that a crucified man became the central symbol of Christianity.
If we cannot find a way to make our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably become negative or bitter—because we will be wounded. That is a given. All suffering is potentially redemptive, all wounds are potentially sacred wounds. It depends on what you do with them. Can you find God in them or not?
If there isn’t some way to find some deeper meaning to our suffering, to find that God is somehow in it, and can even use it for good, we will normally close up and close down, and the second half of our lives will, quite frankly, be small and silly." Friar Rohr
Oh, Lord, may you get transformation instead of isolation in me through this
empathy and compassion rather than coldness and hardness
transparency and vulnerability rather than hiding and shutting out and obscurity
keep my open to you
to receive your love right here and now where I am
to receive you
to let your love fill
soothe, cool, calm
revive, enliven
Give it all to you,
the pain, the blessings, the confusion
whatever you are giving
give it back to you
stay with you
you are with me
here and now
I would like to share the following stories that were to me, triumphant examples of how Jesus is able to transform and enable love where there were great differences. A wonderful lived out example of learning to speak the truth in love, which is so incredibly difficult and of God's ability to create loving community among those who could never come together with out him. This so meaningful to me because I long to be in this kind of community, in my home, and larger spheres because it is not about any specific behavior but about the needed change we all need no matter what it is we struggle with or who.
http://www.worldmag.com/2013/03/journey_of_grace/page1
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/
