Shields Down

Linking up with Bonnie Gray at http://www.faithbarista.com/ on the topic of "Finding Your Voice"
and Jo Ann Fore on the topic of "The View Behind the Mask" in concert with her book Helping Women Find Their Voice

Why do I find it so hard to be genuine, authentic and vulnerable in relationships, especially with those I most want to be in intimate community with? 

While there are so many reasons outside of my control, I find that it is actually I who puts up the deflector shields (thank you George Lucas for this great phrase!). I am the one who is hiding behind all kinds of supposed protections. It is so easy to be distant, business like, just keep to the details and logistics of life without going any deeper. My anger can be a shield to prevent authentic conversation. My sadness, my problems, my attempts at apathy, all are my attempted smoke screens to hide pain, longings, disappointments, insecurities.

Why is this so?

"For they have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Jeremiah 9:11 KJV

This verse has been a beacon light to me this year.
I keep coming back to it again and again and again.

I find all too often, I am the one who wants to say 'peace, peace':

"I am at peace." 

"This relationship is okay." 

"My life is okay." 

"I am okay." 

Sure, everyone has their problems and issues, right? I am just not going to focus on those, but rather on the positive things that I am oh, so very thankful for. Sometimes we just have to live with things we don't like, right? 

But I keep finding God confronting me.

 You are not really okay, are you? 

You are not really at peace are you?

Its not really okay, is it? 

When I keep erupting in anger and frustration...
when I keep withdrawing in sadness and despair...
really,  I must  admit that all is not well with my soul...

When I find that I am the one that wants to smooth conflict over,
avoid it altogether,
or accept oversimplified solutions and minor adjustments as resolution,
am I not saying 'peace, peace', when there is no peace?

In my closest relationships I am beginning to see that the disagreements and conflicts that arise are mostly about what I want to think is true about me being confronted with evidence to the contrary.
I want to think I am reasonably loving and patient and kind then in interactions with my husband and children see that I am picky, rigid, unforgiving, proud, and self-absorbed.
I don't want to be a complainer, a whiner, an argumentative, combative, never satisfied kind of person.
So, I try to be polite and easy-going and always pleasant
the only trouble is that I find I feel isolated because
I am genuinely afraid to start speaking truthfully
afraid of what will come out
afraid of how others will respond
what they will think of me
what I will have to face
how my view of myself will be altered
what true transformation and resolution will cost me
but there is no other way to enter into community

There is all kinds of pain, unresolved bitterness,burning envy, agonizing questions, conversations that need to be had, all of which will disturb the status quo, and bring risk of loss, rejection, and even having to come face to face with the fact that my own idea of who I am is not accurate.
Healing involves change and is very scary indeed.

But there really is no other way forward with God.
 (Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterbum is such a real help to me)

"No! We will speak the truth with love. We will grow up in every way to be like Christ, who is the head." Ephesians 4:15 Children's International Version

Speaking the truth with love is the way to grow up and be transformed in Christ.
How can I speak truly and yet in love. Not spewing out every thing that occurs to me to say but not withholding so much and trying to present a different image than what is in my heart.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

Words are so powerful and what I say can heal or maim. I want to be careful but also truthful.
How can I even know if what I think and want to say is even true? or helpful? or needful?
So much of what I think is so biased, colored either rose or black by my own perceptions, distortions, desires, etc.

"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he..." Proverbs 23:7 KJV

Speaking the truth in love must come from thinking the truth in love.
How can I get from being angry, vengeful, upset, bitter, despondent to thinking the truth in love? I think the place to begin is to come before God with no holds barred, nothing held back and say it all, every bit. No editting, no filters.
 Only He can lead me into his truth and fill me with his love and lead me what to say, when and how.
or what not to say!

Perhaps, the first place to begin to lay aside my shields is within and before God.

"Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul" Job 7:11

I am so so encouraged in heart that God recorded all of Job's words, many of which I find shocking and disturbing in a book that is longer than even any one of the gospels of the life and words of Jesus Christ. This seems to say to me that God wants me to speak to him, to pour it all out before him. How to do this while not being disrespectful to God and to still honor Him?

The following blog post really helps me to identify and talk to God about the painful emotions tied up in my questions. The question is a starting place for a genuine, no holds barred, face to face conversation with God.

http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

The Psalms also are full of very raw and real communication with God.

"Out of the depths, I cried to you, O LORD.  O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. " Psalm 130:1-2 NIV

I am so grateful to Eugene Peterson and his book A Long Obedience in the Same Direction which talks so frankly and refreshingly about Psalms 120 -134.
 His book Working the Angles, also, which helped me see practical ways how to have an ongoing vibrant relationship with God.

I have found that writing has also become a place for me to write out to God what I do not know how to say or if I should say to another person. "Write Where It Hurts" is a wonderful place to find a great community of women who are also trying to process life and faith and all the complexities and pain that are part of this journey:
http://writewhereithurts.org

 I also loved this post for this person's understanding of Jesus and his great empathy in our pain.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

When I am upset and troubled and something is bugging me, sitting down to write it all out, in detail, holding nothing back, not attempting to filter in any way, praying and typing out scriptures has become the place where shields lower down for me.
This has been such a healing process.

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:8 NKJV"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth" Psalm 145:18

I have found that God does not frown on me when I come as Hannah, to pour out my soul before him.
In fact, I have found this a wonderful way to drawn near to him because as I speak truthfully, I find truth:
the truth about God, myself, the situation that is troubling me, the relationship I want to see transformed.

 Anthony Bloom, at the Church of the Savior's daily devo called "Inward/Outward:" "We must try to discover the real person we are; otherwise we cannot encounter the Lord in truth. From time to time something authentic shows through: in moments when we are carried away by such joy that we forget who might be looking at us…when we are unself-conscious in moments of extreme pain…or when we have a deep sense of sadness or of wonder. At these moments we see something of the true person that we are."
Learning to be authentically who we are created to be - this is one of our primary jobs while we breathe earth-air.

Oh, Lord, please help me to be before you, vulnerable and exposed to your love, your light, your truth. 

Here are all my agonies, my raw nerves that needed your comfort and perspective. 

Help me not to hide behind anything at all. To know you, to be known of you. 

Help me to speak honestly and from the heart. 

Not to get lost and drown in my own problems but also to see you as well. 

Thank you, you are glad to see me, you are glad to hear my words, you know how to care for me. 

You understand me better than I could even understand myself. You know how I feel. 

Please teach me how to walk naked before you, covered only in your light, trusting you to lead and guide me how to interact with others in genuine and authentic relationships.  

Help me to listen to you and to whatever you are trying to show or tell me through others.

 Help me to hide only in you.  

 "You are my hiding place" Psalm 32:7 NIV

I love you because you have first loved me. ( from I John 4:19)

 ^"Don’t worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 Phillips

Casting all your care upon Him, for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7 KJV

 "But when they do arrest you, never worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be told at the time what you are to say. For it will not be really you who are speaking but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:19-20 Phillips

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8 NIV