Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Desperate Faith

"21 Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”

23 Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

25 The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.

26 He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

27 “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

28 Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment."

Matthew 15:21-28New International Version (NIV)

She came to Jesus

because need drove her

She had no one else who could possibly help

She had no other option

She had no other possiblity

or any other hope

She knew she was not enough
to meet the need of another

She had never met HIM

or knew HIM

but she had heard of HIM

and believed

The only other option

was despair

She came to him

driven by love

for another

driven by the suffering
of seeing her loved one

suffer

torment

upon

torment

on and on

over and over

She came

she pursued

she sought out

she would not

be turned away

by anything

Why did Jesus not respond to her at first?

I do not know

she did not know

But still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

Why did Jesus only respond after the others complained about her?

I do not know

she did not know

but still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

He answered her in what seems so gruff,, rejecting, and final

Why did he speak thus to her?

I do not know

she did not know

but still she continued to seek and pursue HIM

She talked back to Jesus

and he commended her

A crumb

that is all I am asking

a crumb
because YOU are SO GREAT
that will be ENOUGH

Say whatever you will say or do
or not say or do
to me

I will not stop pursuing you

"Lord to whom shall we go?

You have the words of eternal life"
John 6:68 KJV

I get so confused about persisting in coming to YOU in prayer...

Do you just want us to be pigheaded and stubborn?

relentlessly pestering you to death

with my cries and requests?

But You did not say to this woman. "Great is your endurance"

"great is your patience"

"great is your stubborness"

You said, 'Great is your faith.'

Yes, I want things of you

I want you to listen to my heart

and do what I so earnestly long for

but I am so afraid to really pray for what I desire

because there really is no way to do this safely

prayer is the verbalizing
and

articulating
of what is deep within

the admitting of what I long for

the words come out with my heart still attatched to them

What if you do not answer the way I want?

What if you do not answer when I want?

What if you do not answer me at all?

What if I don't even know what the answer is that you are giving to me?

What if your answer is no

to what I feel desperate about

to what I feel that I just cannot do without

And so I remain in the no man's land

of vague generalities

requests framed like statements in a fortune cookie

so that no matter what happens

I can stay somewhat emotionally "safe"

But you pushed this woman beyond

beyond caring what anyone else thought

beyond even a seemingly unfavorable response from you

You pushed her to stake her all

on YOU

not on any guarentee she would get what she was asking for

but on who YOU ARE

You will give what is good

somehow

in time

You may not give me what I want

when I want it

But you long to always give me

YOURSELF

The Lord is near to those who call upon him

to those who call upon him in truth.

Psalm 145:18 NIV

This is the voice of a man who calls out:

"Prepare in the desert

the way for the Lord.

Make the road in the dry lands

straight for our God.

Every valley should be raised up.

Every mountain and hills should be made flat,

The rough ground should be made level.

The rugged ground sold be made smooth.

Then the glory of the Lord will be shown.

All people together will see it.

The Lord himself said these things."

Isaiah 40 :3-5 ICB

Yes,

even these desperate needs

are an opportunity

to prepare my heart

for your coming

in

Oh Lord, help me to not try to keep you at a distance
keepng all the pain
all the desperate desires and longings
bottled up inside of me
and away from you

Help me to open my heart to you
in the midst of this desperation
this deep grief, disappointment,
confusion or desire

no matter what the situation

or what others are saying or thinkig or doing
help me

to trust in you
in who you are
not anything else

to rest in you

to know your presence and your love in my heart

to commune with you all that is in my heart
nothing hidden
nothing reserved

to open the depths of my being to your depths of love

to know you in the deep

"Deep calls unto deep
at the noise of your waterfalls
All your waves and billows have gone over me."
Psalm 42:7 NKJV

yes

this is where you get you glory
you will transform my inner life
and others will see your greatness

and be drawn to YOU
your
beauty,
grace,
wisdom,
love,
compassion
and power.

Praise you Lord!

Every valley should be raised up.

Every mountain and hills should be made flat,

The rough ground should be made level.

The rugged ground sold be made smooth.

Then the glory of the Lord will be shown.

All people together will see it.

The Lord himself said these things."

Isaiah 40 :4-5 ICB

Friday, February 6, 2015

I want

I Want

"I want, dear Lord, a heart that’s true and clean;
a sunlit heart, with not a cloud between;
a heart like Thine, a heart divine, a heart as white as snow;
on me, dear Lord, a heart like this bestow."

from the hymn by

George Jackson

full hymn at link below

listen at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgXl14yD3p8

http://www.singaporebaptistchurch.sg/worship/english/I%20want%20dear%20Lord%20a%20heart%20that2019s%20true%20and%20clean.htm

Psalm 51:10New International Reader's Version (NIRV)

God, create a pure heart in me.

Give me a new spirit that is faithful to you.

Oh Lord,

Help me to want YOU

more than

I want

what I want

Help me to want YOU

more than

I want

to be loved

to be accepted

to be respected

to be desired

to feel that I belong

to feel significant

Oh Lord help me

to want

YOU

more

than I want

what I want:

to feel safe,

comfortable,

cared for,

provided for

YOU are infinitely

more

than anything

I long for

and earnestly desire

O Lord,

help me

not to pursue

these things

apart from you

trying to be master of my own destiny

god of my own life

and sphere

this is ilusion

delusion

insanity

"There is no peace for the wicked"
Isaiah 57:21

You asked the man by the pool for 38 years,
"Do you want to get well?"
He answererd, I have no one to help me get into the pool
Like this man, I keep wishing for
and trying to change my circumstances
my relationships
believing that then all will be well
or at least better
if this
or that
could just change

But you stood there
with the love, power and care to
truly heal this man
both inside and out

"Do you want to get well?"

Do you want ME
or just someone to seemingly fix your life?

Do I want YOU more than I want wellness?

Or do I want you to just give me what I want

so I can be on my own way?

"We all have wandered away like sheep.
Each of us has gone his own way.
But the Lord has put
on him
the punishment
for all the evil we have done."
Isaiah 53:6 International Childrens Bible

They are not really separate, you know

You are wellness

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Wisdom

Goodness

Strength

Security

YOU are the source

the fountain

None of this,
including my own longings

would be here

without you

yet, when I seek these things

without acknowledging they come from you

When I seek them and not YOU

I am putting the cart before the horse

Truth is Lord,

I would really like to be whole and healthy

and loved and content

and significant

without

you

without having to trust in you

to listen to you

to acknowledge your authority

without

having to talk with you

or know you at all

I would like

to be my own boss

the little god of my own little universe

I would like to use you

as the means to my own ends

to get what I want from you

and not have to be willing

to change

or give up my imagined autonomy

Thank you

you love me to much to let me go

this way to my own destruction

apart from you

"There is a way that seems right to a person

but its end is the way of death."

Proverbs 14:12

"He sent his word and healed them
from their own destructions."
Psalm 107:20 NKJV

You don't come to heal

you don't come to comfort and guide

you don't come to make me feel better

or give me a nice life

You come because YOU LOVE ME

deeply

passionately

intimately

personally

I cannot remain the same

if I recieve

YOU

and

your love

It will change

shatter

transform

heal

not a smooth or easy process

O Lord, help me to truly know YOU

to love YOU

more

than I want to just have a nice day

or just have a nice life

help me to

not be swept away

from what is eternal

lasting

real

and profound

by what is temporal

short, fleeting and

immediate

whatI feelright now!

I am afraid, Lord,

because that is what I really want to do

just go about my day

with all the resource I need

with no thought of you whatsoever

just to be able to stay in my own little world

to draw you into my world

so I can have what I want from you

but not to have to have my little glass sphere shattered

so I can move out of it

and into

YOU

YOU

who wants all of me

because you want me

to have all of YOU

nothing less

bring me

to where I love YOU

more than

anything else

to where

I want

YOU

to pour out all that I want

at your feet

to place my deepest desires and longings

hurts and hopes

in your loving and

faithful hands

I might lose everything I have ever loved

and hoped in

but YOU

YOU are the one thing

I can never lose

in this world

and the next

Psalm 16:9-11
So, I rejoice, and I am glad.
Even my body has hope.
This is beause you will not leave me
in the grave.
You will not let your holy one rot.

You will teach me God's way to live.
Being with you will fill me with joy.
At your right hand I will find pleasure forever.

Praise you!

words of hope and comfort along this theme at

http://heartshomeward.blogspot.com/2015/02/pick-up-your-mat.html

http://www.mercyisnew.com/2015/02/06/lord-waits-gracious/

Inspired by the sermon on John 5 "Healing at the Pool"
http://www.sbcommunity.org/sermons/index/0/0/0/84/#recordings

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Integrity

(There are so many powerful issues raised by this tragic interchange of two people - the lesson I am seeking to absorb is not meant in any way to trivialize or gloss over any of the deep questions this situation raises. It is just one small thought that has impacted and helped me to change)

Darren Wilson,
simply had no idea that confronting two boys walking down the middle of a street would end up so profoundly changing his life
ending his job,
putting him on trial
nationwide even international attention

Michael Brown
had no idea that taking cigarillos from the corner store and encountering a lone man in a car would make any real impact on his day
let alone his life

who knew?

Proverbs 27:1New International Version

27 Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring.

New International Version - UK (NIVUK)

if either of them could have known or seen the earth-shattering impact of choices made in relative obscurity and minutia would it have made any difference?

Take home lesson among many
so much of my life can seem mundane, trivial, obscure

I cannot even imagine having the intense scrutiny that this unfortunate and tragic interchange has brought upon these two individuals, their families, their communities, their town, this nation etc.

When I am home with my children...
Would I act differently if another adult was there to observe?
How would I act if several people were there?
or even my whole neighborhood?
or my whole town?

what if I was being filmed for the world over to scrutinize and replay over and over again and discuss?

Integrity is being exactly the same in all of these situations
because God is always watching
God always sees me

People have a wide variety of opinions, perspectives, responses
but
God always sees and God knows

not just what I do
but why

nothing can be hid or disguised from Him

Living for an audience of One

If I live with God in view
if I live knowing God has me in view

what would that change?

my attitude
the why of what I do
seeking to love Him who has loved me first
by showing practical love
to those He has put right here in front of me

seeing them as the opportunity God has given
to both know His love and grace working in me
and to extend it to them.

Believing that only through Jesus
am I or any one else, brought into this wonderful relationship
with the Living and all powerful and all loving God

That I deserve nothing, worse than nothing

and therefore can show His love and grace to anyone

Inner Transformation working outwards
how this changes my demeanor and tone and how I interact with my children, my spouse, my neighbors
the employee I have to interact with to get the window in my house repaired

to see each one as You see them
loved, desired, understood, longing to bless and comfort and save

how do I see these people?
how do I treat them?

how do I see that sink of dirty dishes
that pile of laundry
that bathroom that needs cleaning

meaningless,
trivial
mundane
obscure
something to avoid
or rush through to get to more 'meaningful' activities elsewhere?

Luke 16:10New King James Version (NKJV)

10 He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much.

New King James Version (NKJV)

Luke 16:10New International Version (NIV)

10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

New International Version (NIV)

This is reality

How do I think, act ,interact and respond when someone I care about
or at least want to think well of me
is watching?

How do I - when I think no one is watching?

what would I do differently if I knew ahead of time that the tiny details of my day were going to be broadcast and scrutinized and discussed by millions?

this is reality with God
to be the same with or without
to live before His gaze only

an audience of one

this will keep me
this will transform me
this will bring me to my knees
to seek Jesus for the kind of deep, transforming and pervasive change He has wanted to do all along

"Faithful in little; Faithful in much"

Oh Lord,
help me to know you are here with me
you have given me these tasks and no one else
you see all
you see my motives and my heart
you are never confused or unaware or unsure of what is going on with me
within me

Help me to be
to do,
to be in relationships
as you want
as you will enable

whether anyone one else sees or doesn't see
You do see me
You see what I do
You see what I want

I want You
this is life changing and powerful
for me
and for all with whom my life intersects

This is opportunity on a grand scale
let me not believe the lies
that what lies before me is inconsequential
trivial
meaningless
drudgery

it is opportunity
to find YOU
to know YOU
to be changed
to know more of YOU
to know more of YOU in me
in my home
in my family
in my day

help me not to be driven to seek what you have not given at this time from others
such as attention, affirmation, approval

help me to seek and find You
right here and right now
in this place and time where I am

knowing I am not alone
but You are with me

Hebrews 13:5-6New International Version (NIV)

5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”[a]

6 So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”[b]

Footnotes:

Hebrews 13:5 Deut. 31:6
Hebrews 13:6 Psalm 118:6,7

New International Version (NIV)

1 Corinthians 10:31New International Version (NIV)

31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

New International Version (NIV)

Colossians 3:23J.B. Phillips New Testament (PHILLIPS)

Whatever you do, put your whole heart and soul into it, as into work done for God, and not merely for men—knowing that your real reward, a heavenly one, will come from God, since you are actually employed by Christ,...

J.B. Phillips New Testament (PHILLIPS)

J. B. Phillips, "The New Testament in Modern English", 1962 edition by HarperCollins

Monday, November 10, 2014

Legacy

Today I sat down to go through my mom's little yellow box of addresses and phone numbers.
It has been in my kitchen on the counter now for almost 3 years unexplored, one of the last tangible items left after her passing over 30 years ago.

So much else that she touched, loved, created, cared for and invested herself in has, like her body passed on. But this little box remains.

When the dust has settled thirty years past my own passing, what will remain?
What will be my own legacy?

As I open the box, the first item to present itself is a poem entitled 'Friendship'.
what follows is the plastic packet, now yellowed with age, that was in her wallet and contained her driver's license and a few precious photos.

after that are 3x5 cards neatly handwritten with each person's name and contact info.
Most cards have handwritten notes on significant dates: marriages, births etc.

Many of these names I recognize as the persons my mom invested her time and life into nurturing and maintaining healthy and vibrant relationships with.

Behind these I find about 30-40 small cards, each one again handwritten and announcing the birth or adoption of a child. She had received these in the mail and kept them all.

Some blank 3x5 cards and I have reached the end of the box.

This box is my mom's legacy. It contains a lifetime of people, and time spent together and lives intertwined and shared with one another.

To me, in the midst of raising children, maintaining a household and all the hectic details that this involves, so much clamoring for my attention, my time and energy, this little box is a reminder that so much of what I am frantically preoccupied and focused on today, will, with the passing of time, fade into oblivion.
What will remain?

When I remember my mom, I remember a lot of things, but mostly not so much things
the food she made for us
the home she made a place to feel safe, cared for and loved
the way she spent time listening to me and interacting with me
the friends that filled her days with joy and companionship
the crafts she liked to make

If her life was measured by many of the standards considered by so many as valuable such as beauty, longevity or
what the world defines as significant accomplishment
she did nothing significant

But she lived in love to those God placed in her sphere
She never had the opportunity to travel abroad
or 'do minisry' across the sea
not to diminish this, it is a wonderful opportunity and should be taken if any possiblity exist to do so
but she lived in love where she was
she made time for those near her
she invested her life
not in ambition or esteem or such
but in quiet care
a listening ear
a helping hand
a sincere inquiry
a homemade meal

This is her legacy
To have believed the love of God for her through Jesus Christ
and to seek to love those in front of her by his grace alone and giving him all the glory

Oh, Lord
may I not be distracted from what is eternal and lasting by what is temporary and clamoring
Help me to find all my burning need met in you
right here
in this place
with these people
to be filled with your love and to love them as you have loved me
This is a lasting legacy

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love suffers long and is kind;

love does not envy;

love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own,

is not provoked, thinks no evil;

6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails...

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three;

but the greatest of these is love.

Footnotes:

1 Corinthians 13:3 NU-Text reads so I may boast. I Corinthians 13:1-8a, 13 NKJV