A Theology of womanhood

A Theology of Womanhood

I cannot define my life by what I do
 or how much I do
 or even where I do
 for my kids
 for my husband
for my friends, neighbors, co-workers, family
 what kind of ministry or acts of service I participate in
      or even desire to participate in
how clean my house is (or isn't!)
how my kids behave
what my kids decide to believe or do with their lives

I cannot define my life by my relationships or the lack thereof
 with my husband
 with my kids
 how many friends I have ( or don't have!)
 with influential people whether Christian or not
political or not
social or not

I cannot define my life by how I look (or don't!)
 my face
 my body
 what I wear
 how fit I am ( or am not!)

I cannot define my life by what I possess
  what level of education I have
  what I read ( or don't!)
  where I live
  what I drive
  what I own
  what I wear

I cannot define my life by what I eat or make
 healthy (or not!)
 homemade (or not!)
 impressive (or not!)

I cannot define my life by what others think of me
 or even what I perceive that they think
 or even what I think about myself

I cannot even define my life by what I think, necessarily
 what I think of myself
 what I can figure out by myself
 how I handle suffering, conflict, trouble

what body of believers I am a part of
what I believe about issues
what communities I am a part of
how I pray (or don't!) or even how much I pray
how much I read my Bible (or don't!)

who I listen to or follow
what I write (or don't!)
who reads what I write ( or who doesn't!)
whether I have have published (or not!
whether I have ever been invited to speak (or not!)
what comments I get (or don't!) on anything I write
what reviews I get (or don't!)

I cannot define my life by what qualities I think I posses in some measure (or don't!)
patience
kindness
understanding
wisdom
love
compassion
humility
truthfulness
cheerfulness
friendliness
being fun-loving or athletic
having a great sense of humor
or a quick wit

I can only define my life by who Jesus Christ is and what He has done

The love of Christ controls us. Because we know the One died for all. So all have died. Christ died for all so that those who live would not continue to live for themselves. He died for them and was raised from death so that they would live for him. 

Fro this time on we do not think of anyone as the world does...If anyone belongs to Christ, then he is made new. The old things have gone, everything is made new!

All this is from God. Through Christ, God made peace between us and himself. And God gave us the work of bringing everyone into peace with him. I mean that God was in Christ making peace between the world and himself. 

In Christ, God did not hold the world guilty of it sins. And he gave us this message of peace. So we have been to speak for Christ. 

It is as if God is calling to you through us. 

We speak for Christ when we beg you to be at peace with God. 

Christ had no sin. But God made him become sin. God did this for us so that in Christ we could become right with God. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 

trying to find meaning, significance and identity in any of these even good and beautiful things or ways is like the person who built his house on the sand.

 It may look beautiful, impressive, clean! attractive for quite a while but when the storms of life come, and the shifting sands of time and change erode underneath, it all comes crashing down.

It didn't matter how big, strong, beautiful or even how well connected the house was to other strong structures.
A soft shifting, easily-moved base undermined it all...

there was no permanent, abiding, unchanging foundation

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a sensible man who builds his house on the rock. Down came the rain and up came the floods, while the winds blew and roared upon that house - and it did not fall because it foundations were on the rock.

And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not follow them can be compared with a foolish man who built his house on the sand. Down came the rain and up came the floods, while the winds blew and battered that house till it collapsed and fell with a great crash.

Matthew 7:24-27 Phillips

in fact, so many of these beautiful and wonderful things have become a source of insecurity, depression, comparison, shame and condemnation

or worse yet they have become a source of pride, self-righteousness and contempt or despising of others in my life

It is not everyone who keeps saying to me, 'Lord, Lord,  who will enter the kingdom of Heaven , but he man who actually does my Heavenly Father's will.  

In that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, didn't we preach in your name, didn't we cast out devils in your name, and do many great things in your name?" Then I shall tell them plainly, 'I have never known you. Go away from me, you have worked on the side of evil." Matthew 7:21-23

This is such a strong passage and much about it, I cannot explain, but I love the fact that Jesus is emphasizing a intimate and loving relationship with him. And I am encouraged that really, I only need to do the things that Jesus is asking me to do. This is not easy to know,but it is comforting that really, a great deal of what I feel driven to do, is not actually required at all. Aren't my desires to feel meaningful, righteous, significant, loved what cause me to overextend myself with impossible expectations and demands?
to find Jesus to be my meaning, doesn't it free me to meet even the small, mundane, trivial tasks of life with confidence that He will infuse them with life and meaning beyond what I can see or feel right now?

When I don't be and act from this sure foundation, I feel strained and anxous. Seeking something to fulfill me in others or in what I do, I strain the relationships of those closest to me because I am anxious to try to fit in things that don't really fit into the available time and space or resources that are currently available. And I invariably set myself up for disappointment because however wonderful something may be for a moment, the plain fact is that I need fresh love, meaning, hope, significance all the time and the only relationship with a perpetual and everlasting fountain of these things is God himself. No friendship, husband, children, job, ministry, vacation, physical shape or appearance can sustain what my heart needs.

But when I am constantly turning to him to constantly provide what I need then I can find him to be the I AM God, always becoming that which his people need. It is that foundation from which I can love others, be a true friend, a consistent and loving parent, a loving wife, serve in a ministry no matter how that relationship or service turns out. It may go amazingly well, exceeding even my high expectations. It may be agonizingly difficult with no end in sight. I might be misunderstood, I might be appreciated. Whatever the result I have a sure foundation that none of these things can ever change!  And I am free to really love with his love because I am not putting the burden of having to meet my deep and constant need on some other person or ministry etc.
Love has to be free to be love.

I find it is these issues of my heart that fuel envy, jealousy, perfectionism
it is my own desires for love, meaning, community, fulfillment that can
ruin relationships
tear apart families
 even communities of those who believe
causing me to become my own agent of destruction
destroying even those things I wished so desperately to build

The wise woman builds her house,

    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. 

Proverbs14:1 NIV

these wonderful things can become barriers that keep me isolated and alone even when surrounded by other women, moms, believers
silenced into a deep and all pervading sense of shame
not being worthy
not measuring up to any one's standard, especially my own

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16 NIV

Isn't this the way to true womanhood? true community?
 When I am free to be honest and without shame for my faults, weaknesses, needs and struggles?
  And free to let others be free to be who God is forming them to be, in His own time and way?
  Do we not then have a sure foundation on which to meet and connect that has nothing to do with us at all?

Oh how I want this sure foundation
to let the truth of God's word permeate my thinking
my view of myself
what I do
and how
and why

No! We will speak the truth with love. We will grow up in every way to be like Christ, who is the head. the whole body depends on Christ. And all the parts of the body are joined and held together. Each part of the body does it own work. And this makes the whole body grow and be strong with love. Ephesians 4:15-16 International Children's Bible

Oh Lord, only you can work these truths deep into my being so that a strong foundation can be built so that you can build your beauty in me
in who I become in Christ
no matter where I am 
or what I am doing 
or who I am with 
or who is noticing
or what anyone else thinks

Thomas Merton said that the way we have structured our lives, we spend our whole life climbing up the ladder of supposed success, and when we get to the top of the ladder we realize it is leaning against the wrong wall—and there is nothing at the top anyway.

My people have committed two sins, They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water. Jeremiah 2:13 NIV

help me to let go of my broken cisterns and drink the pure water of your word
absorb your truth into every facet of my life and relationships
truly transforming me from the inside out
building on a sure foundation

In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. Ephesians 2:21 NAS

³⁷ On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. ³⁸ Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”^[a] 39 By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified.  John 7:37-39 NIV

Footnotes:

1. John 7:38
 Or me. And let anyone drink ³⁸ who believes in me.” As Scripture has said, “Out of him (or them) will flow rivers of living water.”

I waited patiently for the Lord.
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of destruction,
out of the sticky mud.
He stood me on a rock,
He made my feet steady.
He put a new song in my mouth,
It was a song of praise to our God.
Many people will see this and worship him.
then they will trust the Lord.  Psalm 40 :1-4 ICB

I

Your Glory instead of my shame

  "Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split,' imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified."^[8]^ Herman, Judith Lewis (2007), "Shattered Shame States and their Repair", The John Bowlby Memorial Lecture

What you think still hurts... even when you never say a word...

Sometimes I wish you would utter what you think, because then there is the opportunity for change, for truth to be reached for, struggled over and ultimately triumphed in....

I cannot change what you think...

I can only let God change what I think.... and how I respond to you


I love this passage below because Jesus is reaching out to a man named Simon and a whole group of those present. He did this by addressing their thoughts, that were never utter aloud!
I also love this passage because what Jesus thought about her mattered more to this one woman than a whole house of those she would never dare go near otherwise...

    One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him. Jesus went into the Pharisee's house and sat down at the table. A sinful woman in the town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house. So she brought an alabaster jar of perfume. She stood at Jesus' feet, crying , and began to wash his feel with her tears. She dried his feet with her hair, kissed them many times and rubbed them with them with the perfume. The Pharisee who asked Jesus to come to his house saw this. He thought to himself, 'If  Jesus were a prophet, he would know that the woman who is touching him is a sinner!"

              Jesus said to the Pharisee, 'Simon, I have something to say to you.'

    Simon said, 'Teacher, tell me.'

    Jesus said, ' There were two men. Both men owed money tot he same banker. One man owed the banker 500 silver coins. THe other man owed the banker 50 silver coins. The men had no money; so they could not pay what they owed. But the banker told the men that they did not have to pay him. Which one of the two men will love the banker more?

     Simon, the Pharisee, answered, 'I think it would be the one who owed him the most money.'

     Jesus said to Simon, 'You are right.'

     Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave me no water for my feet.  

But she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. 

You did not kiss me, but she has been kissing my feet since I came in!

           You did not rub my head with oil, but she rubbed my feet with perfume.

           I tell you that her many sins are forgiven.

           This is clear because she showed great love.

           But the person who has only a little to be forgiven will feel only a little love.'

Then Jesus said to her, 'Your sins are forgiven.' 

The people sitting at the table began to think to themselves,                                         'Who is this man? How can he forgive sins?'

Jesus said to the woman, 'Because you believed, you are saved from your sins. 

Go in peace.'"

           Luke 7:36-50 International Children's Bible (emphasis added)

Your God says,"Comfort , comfort my people, Speak kindly to the people of Jerusalem....
This is the voice of a man who calls out
'Prepare in the desert the way for the Lord.
Make the road in the dry lands straight for our God.
Every valley should be raised up.
Every mountain and hill should be made flat.
The rough ground should be made level.
The rugged ground should be made smooth.
Then the glory of the Lord will be shown.
All people together will see it.'
The Lord himself, said these things.

       Isaiah 40:1, 3-5 ICB

I have always loved this passage because, to me, it shows the multifaceted way God is working in my life and most powerfully in how I think. 
How I think about myself
How I think about myself with others
How i think about the situations and relationships I am in

How I am like this passage describes...
some parts a deep valley that needs filling in and raising up, sad and despondent
some parts a high strong mountain, proud and obstinate, that needs to be lowered
some parts twisted and crooked, deceptive and defensive
some parts rough and bumpy, angry and hurt

How I am at times like the woman with the perfume and at others like Simon, who did not understand the depth of his need and what Jesus wanted to do.
How beautiful you are, Jesus, that you know and understand all and want to bring it all to what you are thinking
about me
about others
about this relationship
about this situation

It is not enough to try to keep my mouth shut and try to avoid the negative and destructive thoughts and emotions within

Jesus spoke directly with Simon the Pharisee about what he was thinking

I need time with you to let what I feel and think be aired in the fresh air and sunlight of your love and truth
in the darkness it is festering and the blow up and out will come

it takes so much energy to try to keep negative emotions at bay
under wraps, to try to keep them from ruining relationships

I no longer have the energy for this

I need to let my soul be open and vulnerable before you
to let the hurts, anger, bitterness, struggles, judgements and criticism 
float up and out on the wings of prayer

to just be honest about what comes up

you are not asking me to fix it or even to try to soften it 

but to just be honest
to articulate
to not deny
to keep it all before you
with open face and hands and mind
(writewhereithurts.org has been such a help to me here!!!)

Oh how I love so many times, I don't even understand what I feel or why
but as I read your word, you put it into words for me
you explain to me what I feel and why

all you ask of me is some time to let it rise up and out
and to agree with your truth as you show it to me
to let your truth alter what I think is true

then there is no infection
the wound is clean and the doctor can heal
the medicine can reach the needy area

“Yet the number of the children of IsraelShall be as the sand of the sea,Which cannot be measured or numbered.And it shall come to passIn the place where it was said to them,‘You are not My people,’^[a]There it shall be said to them,‘You are sons of the living God.’

1. Hosea 1:10 Hebrew lo-ammi (compare verse 9) Hosea 1:10 NKJV

I love this verse! In the very place where the people of Israel had so grieved God's heart, it was there that God said he would get what he had so wanted all along!
It is when I see no way for God to get what he wants in my life or even in someone else, that God is so able to work!

⁹ To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable:¹⁰ “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’¹⁴ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”  Luke 18 :9-14

How amazing you are! 
The one who seems or even feels farthest from you, is actually closest!

How frightening that when I can think and feel myself so very close to you, that I can be so far away and completely unaware!

Oh how we need you!

The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed. 

Genesis 2:25 ICB

Oh to have this kind of open, face to face, all is known, all is loved intimacy and community with you and with one another!

To have this with you, God above, can only bring greater authenticity, communion, intimacy and connection with others as well. 

As I bring all before you, let you sift, sort, confront, comfort, encourage, inspire, convict and change, I will be brought closer to you and how you think.
This can not avoid affecting those I interact with.

You will show me what needs to be said, how to say it and when

Your love covers me
You are my hiding place
Your glory shines out
You are seen and not me

I am known and being known without shame!

"The Lord is the Spirit.

And where the Spirit of the Lord is, 

there is freedom. 

Our faces then, are not covered.

We all show the Lord's glory,

and we are being changed to be like him. 

This change in us brings more and more glory, 

And it comes from the Lord, 

who is Spirit." 

II Corinthians 3:17-18

New International Version I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. New Living Translation I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. English Standard Version And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. New American Standard Bible  "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, Holman Christian Standard Bible I will take you to be My wife forever. I will take you to be My wife in righteousness, justice, love, and compassion.  International Standard Version I will make you my wife forever— I will make you my wife in a way that is righteous, in a manner that is just, by a love that is gracious, and by a motive that is mercy. NET Bible I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion.  GOD'S WORD® Translation "Israel, I will make you my wife forever. I will be honest and faithful to you. I will show you my love and compassion.

   

Knowing and being known - without shame

"Weary of selfishness and pride,
False pleasures gone, vain hopes denied,
Deep in Thy wounds my shame to hide,
  Christ crucified, I come."
 from the hymn "Drawn to the Cross, Which Thou Hast Blest"

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/nt/1049/j=a&jbl=30&pt=c&pn=9&pjbl=25&nt=c&nn=12&njbl=15&lpn=1&clpn=1&jil=30#ixzz2hocThtPv

    One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him. Jesus went into the Pharisee's house and sat down at the table. A sinful woman in the town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house. So she brought an alabaster jar of perfume. She stood at Jesus' feet, crying , and began to wash his feet with her tears. She dried his feet with her hair, kissed them many times and rubbed them with them with the perfume. The Pharisee who asked Jesus to come to his house saw this. He thought to himself, 'If  Jesus were a prophet, he would know that the woman who is touching him is a sinner!"

              Jesus said to the Pharisee, 'Simon, I have something to say to you.'

    Simon said, 'Teacher, tell me.'

    Jesus said, ' There were two men. Both men owed money tot he same banker. One man owed the banker 500 silver coins. THe other man owed the banker 50 silver coins. The men had no money; so they could not pay what they owed. But the banker told the men that they did not have to pay him. Which one of the two men will love the banker more?
     Simon, the Pharisee, answered, 'I think it would be the one who owed him the most money.'
     Jesus said to Simon, 'You are right.'
     Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave me no water for my feet.  

But she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. 

You did not kiss me, but she has been kissing my feet since I came in!

           You did not rub my head with oil, but she rubbed my feet with perfume.

           I tell you that her many sins are forgiven.
           This is clear because she showed great love.
           But the person who has only a little to be forgiven will feel only a little love.'

Then Jesus said to her, 'Your sins are forgiven.' 

The people sitting at the table began to think to themselves,                                         'Who is this man? How can he forgive sins?'

Jesus said to the woman, 'Because you believed, you are saved from your sins. 

Go in peace.'"

           Luke 7:36-50 International Children's Bible

He has sent me to announce the time when the Lord will show his kindness.

He has sent me to comfort all those who are sad. 

He has sent me to the sorrowing people of Jerusalem. 

I will give them a crown to replace their ashes.  

I will give them the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow. 

I will give them clothes of praise to replace the spirit of sadness.  

Then they will be called Trees of Goodness.  They will be like trees planted by the Lord and will show his greatness."                    Isaiah 61:2-3 ICB

"But he took our suffering on him and felt our pain for us.                                                      We saw his suffering.                                                                                                            We thought God was punishing him.                                                                                              But he was wounded for the wrong things that we did.                                                            He was crushed for the evil things that we did.                                                                          The punishment, which made us well was given to him.                                                              And we are healed because of his wounds."                                                                          Isaiah 53:4-5 ICB

Shame

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

Shame is, variously, an affect, emotion, cognition, state, or condition. The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning "to cover"; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.^[1] 

 ^ Lewis, Helen B. (1971), Shame and guilt in neurosis, International University Press, New York, p. 63, ISBN0-8236-8307-9 

A "sense of shame" is the consciousness or awareness of shame as a state or condition. Such shame cognition may occur as a result of the experience of shame affect or, more generally, in any situation of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, inadequacy,humiliation, or chagrin.^[3]

A condition or state of shame may also be assigned externally, by others, regardless of one's own experience or awareness. "To shame" generally means to actively assign or communicate a state of shame to another. 

^ Broucek, Francis (1991), Shame and the Self, Guilford Press, New York, p. 5,ISBN 0-89862-444-40-8236-8307-9

Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."^[6] Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."^[7

Following this line of reasoning, Psychiatrist Judith Lewis Herman concludes that "Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split,' imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified."^[8

Simply put: A person who feels guilt is saying "I did something bad.", while someone who feels shame is saying "I am bad". There is a big difference between the two. 

1. Jump up^ Lewis, Helen B. (1971), Shame and guilt in neurosis, International University Press, New York, ISBN 0-8236-8307-9
2. Jump up^ Fossum, Merle A.; Mason, Marilyn J. (1986), Facing Shame: Families in Recovery,W.W. Norton, p. 5, ISBN 0-393-30581-3
3. Jump up^ Herman, Judith Lewis (2007), "Shattered Shame States and their Repair", The John Bowlby Memorial Lecture

Simon the Pharisee said,
'If Jesus were a prophet, he would know that the woman who was touching him is sinner!" 
Luke 7:39

But Jesus did know...
He knew even more than Simon knew....

He knew it all..
every last sordid detail
of every wrong and destructive choice

But he also knew
the regret
the shame
the desperate cry for love
for being loved

to be cherished
to be beloved
to be welcomed with open arms, full embrace and eyes lit up with joy

to belong
to be a part
to be meaningfully connected
in a deep, personal, intimate and mutually desired relationship

He knew that she loved him

He knew    she knew that she only loved him because he had loved her first
you love a person not a choice not an action but a person

She knew she was not worthy
she did not merit or do anything to earn his love

But she was loved, this she knew

loved completely, absolutely, thoroughly

there was no need to try to hide anything from him
there was nothing he did not see
there was nothing he did not know
He was perfectly clear about
the selfishness
the rebellion
the destructive pride
the refusal to listen
the persistence in sin
the putting of other people and things before him
the rejection of his grace before

But he saw beyond
the acts, choices, attitudes and words

to who he had made her to be

to who he was able to make her now

He saw her, all of her
He saw with kindness, with empathy, with understanding, with crystal clarity
He did not make excuse, deny, deflect or shift blame

He atoned
He forgave
He covered her
He accepted her
He loved her
He cherished her
He desired her
He hoped for her
He longed to transform
to renew
to recreate
His likeness in her
to bring her to what he has always intended for her

He knew the power of God
to cleanse
to forgive
to pardon
 to justify
to change
to transform
to create anew

He knew who she was
He knew who He was

She knew only Him
even in a hostile situation
a room full of those who did not know or see as He did

She knew she could pour out her love on him and he would not reject
he would not scorn
he would not despise or disdain

He would receive
appreciate
admire
respect
respond in love and gratitude

They were all in the same room but these two knew a completely different universe

Oh, Simon, if only you knew who it was who was in your house that day,
who it was among you
with you

You would have poured out your tears on his beautiful feet
for they were bringing the good news of the gospel of peace

You would have been free from caring what anyone else thought at all

a burning, fiery, passionate love would have consumed you so completely
as to leave your old self
old life
old desires
old pursuits
old wants
old vices
all behind in a blinding flash

an all consuming, passionate love
a blazing connection

"For our God is a consuming fire" Hebrews 12:29 KJV

"Put me like a seal on your heart, like a seal on your arm. Love is as strong as eath. Desire is as strong as the grave. Love bursts into flames. It burns like a very hot fire. Even much water cannot put our the flame of love. Floods cannot drown love. If a man offered everything in his house for love, people would totally reject it."                       Song of Solomon 8:6-7

If human love can be described this way, how much more God, who is love himself
able to burn away all impurities, all traces of contamination, to purify
to bring us to himself
he wants love in return
not only things and actions
but my whole person
actions springing from this source of love

Oh to see you, to know you
to let your holy fire burn within
so that we are nevermore the same old selfish, stale, self-centered sinner

but pouring our our love on you and on one another for all to see
tears of amazement
gratitude
wonder
crazy love
kneeling
wiping with our hair
You
the one whom all our hearts truly long for

She alone, in this house, knew who He was
a priceless treasure none could ever take away from her
a precious person for whom all could be sacrificed

He alone saw her as the precious gift
immesenly valuable
priceless

"The slave girl gave a name to the Lord who spoke to her. She said to him,                                'You are 'God who sees me.'''                                                                                                    This is because she said to herself, 'Have I really seen God who sees me?'"  

Genesis 16:13 ICB

Your love was enough to enable Hagar to return to a difficult situation and remain there
 instead of fleeing away.
You can enable me to love the one or ones that you have put in front of me
to love them as I would love you

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you did for me" Matthew 25:40 NIV

There is therefore now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."     Romans 8:1 

Please consider writing out ways you feel ashamed, inadequate, insecure or a difficult relationship you are trying to love in and how God is meeting you, showing you himself and transforming you.

I have been really helped by the community formed at writewhereithurts.com

1. Jump up

What I am learning about forgiveness and reconciliation

"Resentment is like drinking poison 

 and hoping the other person dies from it"

(posted on facebook - unknown origin)

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior.
Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."

(Genine Hernandez #BEYONDORDINARY)

Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times? Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy time seven.
Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had and payment to be made. So, the servant fell on his knees, imploring him ,'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything'
 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.'
So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me and I will pay you.'
 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.
Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'
 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 
So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." Matthew 18:21-35 ESV 

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. v. 18 NIV

"Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no on will see the Lord. See to it that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble and by it many become defiled." Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy;without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Hebrews 12: 14-15 NIV

14-17 Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.
Hebrews 12: 14-15 The Message


See the poison for what it is

an insidious toxin
a secret hidden poison
which at first gives off only a slight odor
which one can become used to over time

to me the path to forgiveness begins with God and I.

Truth is the antidote

the truth about who God is
what He has done
what He desires to do
how He works

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." 

James 1:19-20 ESV

and the truth about me

I am indebted to him
I cannot pay no matter how much time I have
my sin is serious
bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness is a poison that will
corrode, eat away destroy
my peace
my relationship with God
my relationships with others
my health
my hope and future

all joy and enjoyment in life

and yet how to forgive????

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part of the body is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." 
Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV

holding onto Christ and by his grace, speaking the truth in love 
is the way forward

how to do this in situations where I am heated, upset, angry, hurt, bitter, vengeful?

perhaps by letting the truth of God and his word slice through my layers of self protection, spin doctoring, and selective memories to what is at the core - genuine hurt and pain

Express the pain

putting this pain into words words to God alone
perhaps to one other trusted friend or two

even writing it out uneditted and unaltered 

just to rip it up right after it is written
Write Where It Hurts at joanfore.com

has been a wonderful place to learn grow and be encouraged by other women in this

Praying to Him alone who can save

baring my soul before Him who bears all in love

"Casting all your care upon Him who cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"for while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person -though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die -But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8 ESV

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God." I Peter 3:18a ESV

bring me back 

bring me to you

only your love can fill, soothe, comfort , calm give hope and peace

only you

Letting your truth be spoken to me in love

then you can teach//lead me into what is true about the hurtful situation

you can bring in your view and  real rest in my soul

then I can hear you
your view

on that person

on what happened

on how I responded

What was my part?

yes, this person did me wrong

but sometimes I can now see where I contributed

I enabled the situation

by wanting to avoid conflict

by wanting someone to like me

by wanting someone to think well of me
even myself as that someone....

I was not honest with God myself or you

I was not a real, genuine person

Seeking truth with you

As God leads me, I might have the opportunity to speak with you 

to honestly engage with you

about myself

about you

about the choices that were made

and the effects they had

on myself
on others

willing to hear what God may say to me about myself 

to learn, to grow 

to see, to change

to listen to what you may be saying to me

what God may be saying to me through you

Truth unites

We may never be friends, but to the extent that this is possible,
I will seek to engage with you in genuine and authentic interactions
speaking the truth in love

"... as much as lies with you, be at peace with all men,,," Hebrews 12:14

it is much easier to smooth over

to gloss over 

to say it doesn't matter

it is no big deal

but if it was a big deal to me,
 I need at the very least be able to admit that to God, myself and you, if at all possible

this is humbling for me

I was not bigger than this

I was not able to just shrug this off and move on

I was hurt and upset

But I do you and no one any favors when I pretend otherwise than what is 

only then can you and I be given the opportunity to come into truth together

it is your choice
I cannot make you do anything

but I can be the opportunity for reality

for the truth shining as a pure light

revealing, healing, transforming

speaking the truth in love

this is not venting

or taking vengence with my words on you

but what is helpful true needful for you

this is speaking in love

Helping or Enabling?

How to discern if I am extending grace and service to another
or just being an enabler of destructive and unhealthy attitudes, perspectives behaviors

as I speak truthfully with God

let the truth of his word pierce in to my heart

the smoke screens clear

the fog melts away

I can see more clearly what is needed and helpful to be said

I am no longer driven by my hate, by vengence by my own desrie for anything

but how could I be of service to you truly?
where am I not loving you by accepting the status quo?

Willing for change

I cannot help you if I am not dealing in truth

this is painful and difficult because it disrupts the status quo

it adjusts the fragile social dynamic I have carefully constructed and adjusted
for my own comfort or avoidance of suffering

it threatens to blow it all our of the water

with great explosive force

but only then can there be healing and transformation

in me

and hopefully beyond me as well

in relationships

in homes 

in families

in churches
in communities
between generations
between those divided over beliefs religious, political, personal
between nationalities, ethnicities, gender

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth , and the truth will set you free." John 8:32-2 ESV

If anyone reading this has anything to say, I really want to hear true and honest feedback.
I need you.
I would especially like to hear any other verses or personal anecdotes that God is using to help you forgive.
Let's help and encourage each other!