What I am learning about forgiveness and reconciliation

"Resentment is like drinking poison 

 and hoping the other person dies from it"

(posted on facebook - unknown origin)

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior.
Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."

(Genine Hernandez #BEYONDORDINARY)

Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times? Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy time seven.
Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had and payment to be made. So, the servant fell on his knees, imploring him ,'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything'
 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.'
So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me and I will pay you.'
 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.
Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'
 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 
So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." Matthew 18:21-35 ESV 

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. v. 18 NIV

"Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no on will see the Lord. See to it that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble and by it many become defiled." Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy;without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Hebrews 12: 14-15 NIV

14-17 Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.
Hebrews 12: 14-15 The Message


See the poison for what it is

an insidious toxin
a secret hidden poison
which at first gives off only a slight odor
which one can become used to over time

to me the path to forgiveness begins with God and I.

Truth is the antidote

the truth about who God is
what He has done
what He desires to do
how He works

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." 

James 1:19-20 ESV

and the truth about me

I am indebted to him
I cannot pay no matter how much time I have
my sin is serious
bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness is a poison that will
corrode, eat away destroy
my peace
my relationship with God
my relationships with others
my health
my hope and future

all joy and enjoyment in life

and yet how to forgive????

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part of the body is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." 
Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV

holding onto Christ and by his grace, speaking the truth in love 
is the way forward

how to do this in situations where I am heated, upset, angry, hurt, bitter, vengeful?

perhaps by letting the truth of God and his word slice through my layers of self protection, spin doctoring, and selective memories to what is at the core - genuine hurt and pain

Express the pain

putting this pain into words words to God alone
perhaps to one other trusted friend or two

even writing it out uneditted and unaltered 

just to rip it up right after it is written
Write Where It Hurts at joanfore.com

has been a wonderful place to learn grow and be encouraged by other women in this

Praying to Him alone who can save

baring my soul before Him who bears all in love

"Casting all your care upon Him who cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"for while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person -though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die -But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8 ESV

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God." I Peter 3:18a ESV

bring me back 

bring me to you

only your love can fill, soothe, comfort , calm give hope and peace

only you

Letting your truth be spoken to me in love

then you can teach//lead me into what is true about the hurtful situation

you can bring in your view and  real rest in my soul

then I can hear you
your view

on that person

on what happened

on how I responded

What was my part?

yes, this person did me wrong

but sometimes I can now see where I contributed

I enabled the situation

by wanting to avoid conflict

by wanting someone to like me

by wanting someone to think well of me
even myself as that someone....

I was not honest with God myself or you

I was not a real, genuine person

Seeking truth with you

As God leads me, I might have the opportunity to speak with you 

to honestly engage with you

about myself

about you

about the choices that were made

and the effects they had

on myself
on others

willing to hear what God may say to me about myself 

to learn, to grow 

to see, to change

to listen to what you may be saying to me

what God may be saying to me through you

Truth unites

We may never be friends, but to the extent that this is possible,
I will seek to engage with you in genuine and authentic interactions
speaking the truth in love

"... as much as lies with you, be at peace with all men,,," Hebrews 12:14

it is much easier to smooth over

to gloss over 

to say it doesn't matter

it is no big deal

but if it was a big deal to me,
 I need at the very least be able to admit that to God, myself and you, if at all possible

this is humbling for me

I was not bigger than this

I was not able to just shrug this off and move on

I was hurt and upset

But I do you and no one any favors when I pretend otherwise than what is 

only then can you and I be given the opportunity to come into truth together

it is your choice
I cannot make you do anything

but I can be the opportunity for reality

for the truth shining as a pure light

revealing, healing, transforming

speaking the truth in love

this is not venting

or taking vengence with my words on you

but what is helpful true needful for you

this is speaking in love

Helping or Enabling?

How to discern if I am extending grace and service to another
or just being an enabler of destructive and unhealthy attitudes, perspectives behaviors

as I speak truthfully with God

let the truth of his word pierce in to my heart

the smoke screens clear

the fog melts away

I can see more clearly what is needed and helpful to be said

I am no longer driven by my hate, by vengence by my own desrie for anything

but how could I be of service to you truly?
where am I not loving you by accepting the status quo?

Willing for change

I cannot help you if I am not dealing in truth

this is painful and difficult because it disrupts the status quo

it adjusts the fragile social dynamic I have carefully constructed and adjusted
for my own comfort or avoidance of suffering

it threatens to blow it all our of the water

with great explosive force

but only then can there be healing and transformation

in me

and hopefully beyond me as well

in relationships

in homes 

in families

in churches
in communities
between generations
between those divided over beliefs religious, political, personal
between nationalities, ethnicities, gender

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth , and the truth will set you free." John 8:32-2 ESV

If anyone reading this has anything to say, I really want to hear true and honest feedback.
I need you.
I would especially like to hear any other verses or personal anecdotes that God is using to help you forgive.
Let's help and encourage each other!