longing for belonging in a community of love

"Then I said, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." Isaiah 6:5 KJV

"And when the day of Pentcost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place and suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting....

And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance....

.... Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Peter and the rest of the apostles, Men and brethren, what shall we do?
Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the  gift of the Holy Ghost,

.... and all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods and parted them to all men, as every man had need. 

And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart. Praising God and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved."
Acts 2:1-2,4,37-38, 44-47 KJV

Please pardon the archaic language, but I just love the poetic beauty and depth of these phrases:
all with one accord in one place
filled the house
filled with the Holy Ghost and began to speak... as the Spirit gave them utterance
all things common
continuing daily with one accord
with gladness and singleness of heart
And the Lord added...

Who is there who does not long to be part of such a beautiful, selfless, caring, vibrantly loving community?
Filled with God and love for one another?
Filled with praise and thanksgiving and hearts to give to any and all
Mouths and hands moving to his impulse of love, care, give, share

These are not just beautiful words, these were actual people, a real community that God formed.
They were not in heaven where all had been healed and transformed and all lack was overcome
They were people just like you and I...
rough and tough, possibly crude fishermen with calloused hands
teenagers who vehemently argued over who was the greatest among them
women whom no one believed when they were the first to bring the news, 'He is Risen!'
none were powerful, wise, impressive or respected in any way on their own

"And they were amazed and astonished, saying, 'Are not all these who are speaking Galileans? and how is it that we hear each of us in his own native language? Parthians and Medes and Elamites and residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya belonging to Cyrene, and visitors from Rome, both Jews and proselytes, Cretans and Arabians-we hear them telling in our own tongues the mighty works of God."

Out of this wonderfully diverse crowd... "So those who received his word were baptized and there were added about three thousand souls" Acts 2:7-11, 41 ESV 2005

A community transcending all cultural, racial, national, ethnic or gender boundaries... united in a love for Jesus Christ greater than all else (Let Your Wind Blow the entire passage of Acts 2 with a few more comments)

I so long to be a part of a community like this...

I believe God can do this kind of work in any time, location or people

and so the burning questions come...

Why does one's experience of Christian community at times differ so radically from what is described above????

What to do when what I deeply desire and believe God wants differs from what is?

The rest of the book of Acts and the New Testament confirm that Christian community is no instantaneous, pop-up, just add water and presto! kind of experience. It is difficult, takes long-term commitment and massive amounts of grace not to destroy itself. Just a few small examples ...

"For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: you shall love your neighbor as yourself. But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another" Galatians 5:14-15 ESV

I beg you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I beg that all of you agree with each other, so that  you will not be divided into groups. I beg that you be completely joined together by having the same kind of thinking and the same purpose. My brothers, some people from Chloe's family have told me that there are arguments among you. This is what I mean: one of you says, "I follow Apollos"; another says, "I follow Peter"; and anotherr says, "I follow Christ". Christ cannot be divided into different groups! Did Paul die on the cross for you? No! were you baptized in the name of Paul? No!
I Corinthians 1:10-13 International Children's Version

so many more passages (Phil 4:1-4 for instance)

I appreciate that God gives it to us straight and includes so much real life and experiences of those who desired to live in Christlike and Christ enabled community with one another. For two thousand years, believers have struggled over these questions.

What does it mean to be in community with others who believe in Jesus Christ?
How can one enter in to what His grace and Spirit want to do in genuine and loving relationships? 

I can only say so much of my own personal agony has been the tension between what I read in the Bible, and wholeheartedly believe God can do and what I experience as I seek to enter in and continue in loving community. Church history and many, many biographies of those who have gone before give witness to the blessings and struggles in this arena of faith.

For me, the questions become personal...

How to manage a realistic expectation of Christian community, relationships, with no lessoning of trust in what God is able and wants to do?

How can I avoid becoming disappointed, hurt, frustrated and bitter, withdrawing to the very lowest levels of vulnerability and relationship...

Over and over again I find I am not even aware of my expectations until they are not met and the stabbing disappointment arises, the crushed hopes, the painful longings

I so long for a loving community to rise up and surround me with the practical love of Christ and show His amazing grace and glory.

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35 NIV

These are not rhetorical questions written to be clever and catchy but the very real throbbing of my heart. I am seeking to be like Habbakuk who came to God with his burning questions and said,

"I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what he will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint." Habbakuk 2:1 ESV

If anyone is reading this and has anything helpful to say, I am listening and I am praying to learn and grow in this area right here and now. I welcome your input.
In fact, I need it.

Those who know me personally and have observed my life beyond these words on this page, I especially need you to speak the truth in love to me

if anything I have learned, it is how much we really do need each other

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with al the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:14-19

 We can only know the fullness of the love of God in relationship with others...

“Woe is me, for I am undone!Because I am a man of unclean lips,And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;For my eyes have seen the King,The Lord of hosts.”Isaiah 6:5 NKJV

Isaiah describes his experience of coming into the presence of the LORD of hosts by saying, "Woe is me, I am undone"

Is not this the key to entering into genuine relationship with God and others?

As I come into contact with Truth, does it not have the exact effect of deconstructing my delusions, fantasies, imaginings, about myself, others, relationship, community?

Is not this the place to begin?

How can I come to know God without being in genuine interactions with others, who become a source of truth, confronting my carefully constructed facades and defenses and illusions?

Isn't it  in relationship with others that I can be in a place for God to show me truth, bring me into truth, transform me by truth?

 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32 

It has taken me 5 days to write this post because I am trying to write with multiple, energetic children in my house who make noise, interrupt and have all kinds of needs. Part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs, "This is not an atmosphere conducive to reflection, thinking, or trying to write!!"
And yet, I see that this is the perfect environment for me right now because my kids are a constant touchstone to the present and what is real. There is constant and even instantaneous feedback!
I have the jarring and uncomfortable experience of calmly typing about the wonderful love and peace of God and the very next second, realizing my desperate and deep need for more of Him in my life!!

This is a heathy learning environment for me because it is both lecture and lab, theory and practical application. It is in contact with you that I am continually made aware of my own inability to love you fully and completely as Christ loves. How I need His love in my own heart and to enable me to love you.

Not to say I don't carve space and time for quiet and reflection and greatly value and need such, just that God is keeping anything He wants to teach me very real and applicable at this season of my life!

And, so how to listen well and sensitively to what God is wanting to show, teach, change in me?

Daniel 9 is a beautiful example of someone reading information from God and responding in earnest prayer and seeking of God for what it meant and how it applied to his life
Definitely praying and earnest seeking for wisdom and understanding of what God wants to teach, show change in me

but I am convinced it will involve a sense of being undone as Isaiah felt

I will be confronted with realities that shake my world to its core

I am not the person I wish I am
You are not the person I wish you to be
but is not this the path to transformation?
To the working of these wonderful truths of God into the realities of my daily experience?
The community that formed in Acts 2, did they not experience this as well?
II Corinthians 1 is one of my favorite passages because it details Paul's own experience of this as well

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. II Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV

I can only give to you what I have received
One of my favorite books: Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie is a beautiful example of this

I Corinthians 12 and 13 are such wonderful passages describing the community of believers as a body, a body which everyone who has put their faith in Christ is a part of, although different from one another
a body of which I am a part=belonging
    when I feel like there is no way I will fit in - He has made me a pat oh his body whether I fell like it or not
a body of which I am only a part=we need each other
    when I self-absorbed and feel like it is all about me and my experiences and how I feel - I am only a part
a body in which He has a meaningful role for me to play, although different from others
holding these ideas in tension

Isaiah 6 seeing God
seeing God and hearing God through you
seeing others as they really are
trying to have a relationship with what I want you to be won't work because I am only having a relationship with a fantasy in my own mind instead of you,
the actual  real and living being before me
when the reality of who you actually are hits my wishful view and all I have stuck to it and intertwined with it will shatter like a mirror
like glass connecting rods to my heart

Jeremiah 2:13 "My people have done two sins. They have turned away from me. And I am the spring of living water. And they have dug their own wells. But they are broken wells that cannot hold water."

When I try to make you more than you are, then I am digging a broken well that will not hold water.

accepting the limits of who I am, who you are, what God has given at this time (I wrote more on this thought at On Dying On Accepting Limits Ode to my mom )
when I accept the truth of who you are, I can begin to have a genuine relationship with you and be authentic myself
a living connection is born
like a tender shoot it must be cared for
and loved
not automatic
intentional

I cannot change you but I can seek to love you with the love of Christ
begin with one

from a movie about Heidi Baker (Mama Heidi)
"love the one God has put before you"
seek to be Christlike to all
but intentional about building community with a few
at least one

a mutual expectation to share lives deeply

pray for one another

build connections between our lives

what is a community but a collection of individual relationships?
community is a made up of individuals and their connections with one another

A wonderful place that I am finding healing community and genuine connections is through
Jo Ann Fore's website: writewhereithurts.org and her upcoming book When A Woman Finds Her Voice
It has been a wonderful place to get to know other women who are trying to learn these things as I am.

It was is stretching out his crippled hand at Jesus command, that the man was healed. 
(Luke 6:6-11)

"Then I said, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." Isaiah 6:5 KJV

"Dear brothers, when I came to you, I did not come as a proud man. I preached God's truth, but not with fancy words or a show of great learning. I decided that while I was with you I would forget about everything except Jesus Christ and his death on the cross. When I came to you , I was weak and shook with fear. My teaching and my speaking were not with wise words that persuaded people. But the proof of my teaching wast eh power that the Spirit gives. I did this so that your faith would be in God's power and not in the wisdom of  a man."

I Corinthians 2:1-5 International Children's Version

a beautiful post on how God makes community out of the broken: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/09/dear-church-the-real-truth-about-family-values/

If you have made it to the end of this very long post, I invite you to add your contribution and honest feedback. I want to learn from you. Thank you for reading!

great quote of Eugene Peterson
Scot McKnight had this quote from Jon Merritt's interview with EP on his blog tonight:
"EP: I’d tell them that pastoring is not a very glamorous job. It’s a very taking-out-the-laundry and changing-the-diapers kind of job. And I think I would try to disabuse them of any romantic ideas of what it is. As a pastor, you’ve got to be willing to take people as they are. And live with them where they are. And not impose your will on them. Because God has different ways of being with people, and you don’t always know what they are.

The one thing I think is at the root of a lot of pastors’ restlessness and dissatisfaction is impatience. They think if they get the right system, the right programs, the right place, the right location, the right demographics, it’ll be a snap. And for some people it is: if you’re a good actor, if you have a big smile, if you are an extrovert. In some ways, a religious crowd is the easiest crowd to gather in the world. Our country’s full of examples of that. But for most, pastoring is a very ordinary way to live. And it is difficult in many ways because your time is not your own, for the most part, and the whole culture is against you. This consumer culture, people grow up determining what they want to do by what they can consume. And the Christian gospel is just quite the opposite of that. And people don’t know that. And pastors don’t know that when they start out. We’ve got a whole culture that is programmed to please people, telling them what they want. And if you do that, you might end up with a big church, but you won’t be a pastor."

Shields Down

Linking up with Bonnie Gray at http://www.faithbarista.com/ on the topic of "Finding Your Voice"
and Jo Ann Fore on the topic of "The View Behind the Mask" in concert with her book Helping Women Find Their Voice

Why do I find it so hard to be genuine, authentic and vulnerable in relationships, especially with those I most want to be in intimate community with? 

While there are so many reasons outside of my control, I find that it is actually I who puts up the deflector shields (thank you George Lucas for this great phrase!). I am the one who is hiding behind all kinds of supposed protections. It is so easy to be distant, business like, just keep to the details and logistics of life without going any deeper. My anger can be a shield to prevent authentic conversation. My sadness, my problems, my attempts at apathy, all are my attempted smoke screens to hide pain, longings, disappointments, insecurities.

Why is this so?

"For they have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Jeremiah 9:11 KJV

This verse has been a beacon light to me this year.
I keep coming back to it again and again and again.

I find all too often, I am the one who wants to say 'peace, peace':

"I am at peace." 

"This relationship is okay." 

"My life is okay." 

"I am okay." 

Sure, everyone has their problems and issues, right? I am just not going to focus on those, but rather on the positive things that I am oh, so very thankful for. Sometimes we just have to live with things we don't like, right? 

But I keep finding God confronting me.

 You are not really okay, are you? 

You are not really at peace are you?

Its not really okay, is it? 

When I keep erupting in anger and frustration...
when I keep withdrawing in sadness and despair...
really,  I must  admit that all is not well with my soul...

When I find that I am the one that wants to smooth conflict over,
avoid it altogether,
or accept oversimplified solutions and minor adjustments as resolution,
am I not saying 'peace, peace', when there is no peace?

In my closest relationships I am beginning to see that the disagreements and conflicts that arise are mostly about what I want to think is true about me being confronted with evidence to the contrary.
I want to think I am reasonably loving and patient and kind then in interactions with my husband and children see that I am picky, rigid, unforgiving, proud, and self-absorbed.
I don't want to be a complainer, a whiner, an argumentative, combative, never satisfied kind of person.
So, I try to be polite and easy-going and always pleasant
the only trouble is that I find I feel isolated because
I am genuinely afraid to start speaking truthfully
afraid of what will come out
afraid of how others will respond
what they will think of me
what I will have to face
how my view of myself will be altered
what true transformation and resolution will cost me
but there is no other way to enter into community

There is all kinds of pain, unresolved bitterness,burning envy, agonizing questions, conversations that need to be had, all of which will disturb the status quo, and bring risk of loss, rejection, and even having to come face to face with the fact that my own idea of who I am is not accurate.
Healing involves change and is very scary indeed.

But there really is no other way forward with God.
 (Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterbum is such a real help to me)

"No! We will speak the truth with love. We will grow up in every way to be like Christ, who is the head." Ephesians 4:15 Children's International Version

Speaking the truth with love is the way to grow up and be transformed in Christ.
How can I speak truly and yet in love. Not spewing out every thing that occurs to me to say but not withholding so much and trying to present a different image than what is in my heart.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

Words are so powerful and what I say can heal or maim. I want to be careful but also truthful.
How can I even know if what I think and want to say is even true? or helpful? or needful?
So much of what I think is so biased, colored either rose or black by my own perceptions, distortions, desires, etc.

"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he..." Proverbs 23:7 KJV

Speaking the truth in love must come from thinking the truth in love.
How can I get from being angry, vengeful, upset, bitter, despondent to thinking the truth in love? I think the place to begin is to come before God with no holds barred, nothing held back and say it all, every bit. No editting, no filters.
 Only He can lead me into his truth and fill me with his love and lead me what to say, when and how.
or what not to say!

Perhaps, the first place to begin to lay aside my shields is within and before God.

"Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul" Job 7:11

I am so so encouraged in heart that God recorded all of Job's words, many of which I find shocking and disturbing in a book that is longer than even any one of the gospels of the life and words of Jesus Christ. This seems to say to me that God wants me to speak to him, to pour it all out before him. How to do this while not being disrespectful to God and to still honor Him?

The following blog post really helps me to identify and talk to God about the painful emotions tied up in my questions. The question is a starting place for a genuine, no holds barred, face to face conversation with God.

http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

The Psalms also are full of very raw and real communication with God.

"Out of the depths, I cried to you, O LORD.  O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. " Psalm 130:1-2 NIV

I am so grateful to Eugene Peterson and his book A Long Obedience in the Same Direction which talks so frankly and refreshingly about Psalms 120 -134.
 His book Working the Angles, also, which helped me see practical ways how to have an ongoing vibrant relationship with God.

I have found that writing has also become a place for me to write out to God what I do not know how to say or if I should say to another person. "Write Where It Hurts" is a wonderful place to find a great community of women who are also trying to process life and faith and all the complexities and pain that are part of this journey:
http://writewhereithurts.org

 I also loved this post for this person's understanding of Jesus and his great empathy in our pain.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

When I am upset and troubled and something is bugging me, sitting down to write it all out, in detail, holding nothing back, not attempting to filter in any way, praying and typing out scriptures has become the place where shields lower down for me.
This has been such a healing process.

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:8 NKJV"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth" Psalm 145:18

I have found that God does not frown on me when I come as Hannah, to pour out my soul before him.
In fact, I have found this a wonderful way to drawn near to him because as I speak truthfully, I find truth:
the truth about God, myself, the situation that is troubling me, the relationship I want to see transformed.

 Anthony Bloom, at the Church of the Savior's daily devo called "Inward/Outward:" "We must try to discover the real person we are; otherwise we cannot encounter the Lord in truth. From time to time something authentic shows through: in moments when we are carried away by such joy that we forget who might be looking at us…when we are unself-conscious in moments of extreme pain…or when we have a deep sense of sadness or of wonder. At these moments we see something of the true person that we are."
Learning to be authentically who we are created to be - this is one of our primary jobs while we breathe earth-air.

Oh, Lord, please help me to be before you, vulnerable and exposed to your love, your light, your truth. 

Here are all my agonies, my raw nerves that needed your comfort and perspective. 

Help me not to hide behind anything at all. To know you, to be known of you. 

Help me to speak honestly and from the heart. 

Not to get lost and drown in my own problems but also to see you as well. 

Thank you, you are glad to see me, you are glad to hear my words, you know how to care for me. 

You understand me better than I could even understand myself. You know how I feel. 

Please teach me how to walk naked before you, covered only in your light, trusting you to lead and guide me how to interact with others in genuine and authentic relationships.  

Help me to listen to you and to whatever you are trying to show or tell me through others.

 Help me to hide only in you.  

 "You are my hiding place" Psalm 32:7 NIV

I love you because you have first loved me. ( from I John 4:19)

 ^"Don’t worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 Phillips

Casting all your care upon Him, for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7 KJV

 "But when they do arrest you, never worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be told at the time what you are to say. For it will not be really you who are speaking but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:19-20 Phillips

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8 NIV

Speak

"Out of the depths have I cry to you, O LORD.

Lord, hear my voice!

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications"Psalm 130:1

see Jeremiah 6:14

New International Version They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. 'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace. New Living Translation They offer superficial treatments for my people's mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace. English Standard Version They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace. New American Standard Bible  "They have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, Saying, 'Peace, peace,' But there is no peace.

Ephesians 4:11-17 KJVAnd he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ; till we all come in the unity of the faith, and the knowledges of the Son of God, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.

That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning crafiness, where by they lie in wait to deceive;

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head even Christ:  

from whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love."

"... when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus."
Ephesians 4: 21 NIV

We grow up into Christ by SPEAKING the TRUTH in LOVE
such a simple phrase but oh, so powerful
God wants me to speak out, to articulate, to put into words, to express
to communicate, to be in relationships of truth and love
transparent and vulnerable
not alone and isolated
hiding and ashamed and fearful
but
giving and receiving
known and being known
acknowledging the truth
knowing I am loved
loving others
in genuineness and authenticity

How is this possible?
what does this look like in daily life and real relationships with real and broken and fallen people?
what are realistic expectations for relationships with others who believe?

my life is full of wounding and pain
hiding and insecurity
defensiveness
fear of rejection
fear of being shamed
fear
it remains murky and obscure
until the light of His word shine in
the light of real relationships with real people
interacting with them reveals
what is true
not what I assume is true
not what I wish were true
but what is
I can only be in a real relationship if I am being a real person myself

to articulate into concrete and tangible words
the pain and perplexity that I feel
the tormenting questions that linger and lurk in my mind and soul
the raw doubts
the agony of soul

How to do this without venting hot lava and choking ash, hurting those that I love?
to clearly state the truth about
who I am
what I really think and feel
what I have done both  helpful and hurtful
sins mistakes failings shortcomings desires longings hopes disappointments
no excuses
no deflections

This is the first step to being a real person and having a real, genuine and authentic relationship with God and others.

"No one can have fellowship with an unreal person" Roy Hession Calvary Road

I have so long wondered why years of what I have thought to be very genuine Bible reading, Bible study, involvement in church and personal relationships have brought about so little truly transformative change in the basic level of anxiety, fear, insecurity, defensiveness and level of hiding and vagueness that I function in every day.

How can this be what God wants?
I know God is able to save and change and transform so completely,absolutely and wonderfully
There is nothing that is too hard for him!
He has given the gift of the Holy Spirit to those who believe in Christ
the Helper the Spirit of Truth, who will lead, guide, comfort, teach, enable

Christ rose from the dead
He has overcome sin
brought me into the love of God
that I do not deserve
cannot earn
that does not change, fade or run out
He is always there for me
always wants to help me
always wants to do good

why do all these wonders make so little impact in my day to day life and interactions?

how can your amazing love be worked deeper into my life and my home and my family and my church community and my neighborhood?

I believe I am wiling to be patient with my brokenness, and the brokenness and humanity of those around me

only God is truly perfect and wonderful and loving and kind and faithful and true and courageous and knows exactly what to do at all times
knows what to say or not say
when to say it and how
and has the resource to do as he pleases
and always is pleased to do well
to love

I will always fall short and feel my need of him

but I want more of Him
worked out in actual time and space here and now

Why is the divorce rate the same for people of faith in Christ and those who would not identify themselves as believers?
What actual practical difference does it make in my life to believe and know Christ?
in my home, in my family, in my relationships, in my inner dialogue
in my interactions. in how I see and relate to other people

What can transform communities of faith to be:

Acts 2:44-45 KJV And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need. 

What distinguishes a community of those who believe and trust in Jesus Christ from a social club, or a group of philantropists, or nice bunch of friends
a homogeneous grouping of those who find compatiblity in similar moral views and socialoeconomic lifestyles

As Gideon says If God is with us, why is it like this?? (Judges 6:12-13 paraphrased)

"Out of the depths I cry to you O LORD, Lord, hear my voice" Psalm 130:1

I believe God is teaching me to begin with a higher level of honesty and truthfulness, first in my prayer life with him and in how I think and talk within myself and then with any person with whom my life has contact.

Eph 4:16  says  "... speaking the truth in love is how we will grow up into Christ."

Being truthful with others begins by being truthful with myself and God.

"Therefore I will not refrain my mouth, I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul" Job 7:11 KJV

I cried unto the LORD with my voice;
with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication.
I poured out my complaint before him;
I shewed before him my trouble.

Psalm 142:1-2 KJV 

So much of what I have to say is not pleasant, nice or beautiful
it is not holy or even socially acceptable
but I must start from where I really am
with what is true. I cannot gloss it over with piety.
It may not be okay to vent all my anger, resentments self pity, angst, questions on other people but God is inviting me to tell him
To cry, to scream, to pound fists if needed to
to hold nothing back
even if I don't have the words to express it all or understand what to say
to start by trying to put it into words, phrases, metaphors, pictures, music, movement,
to express
to get it out of my soul
so it does not stay toxic and below
condensed and fermenting
but comes out into the clear light of day and the fresh wind of your Spirit' cleansing and working

 Anthony Bloom, at the Church of the Savior's daily devo called "Inward/Outward:" "We must try to discover the real person we are; otherwise we cannot encounter the Lord in truth. From time to time something authentic shows through: in moments when we are carried away by such joy that we forget who might be looking at us…when we are unself-conscious in moments of extreme pain…or when we have a deep sense of sadness or of wonder. At these moments we see something of the true person that we are."

Learning to be authentically who we are created to be - this is one of our primary jobs while we breathe earth-air.

If I don't start by being more honest here, the truth of God cannot penetrate to where I need it,
the most: the depths of my being
This post really helped me to articulate my true questions with God and also to talk about the deep emotions that are behind those questions. It really ministered to me.

http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

This is the path way to intimacy with God
He has never been alarmed by those who come to him in this way
Hannah, Jacob, Hagar, Gideon, Job: his pain and questions put into words are recorded and presented for us all in a book longer than any single book about the words and life of Jesus Christ

Doesn't God already know what I feel, what I am thinking, what I want etc?
Why do I need to put it into words and express it
in prayer
in writing
in art
in dance
in any way possible

Because it brings me into the truth
it helps me to look directly into the mirror and see what is really there
not what I think is there
not what I wish were there
but what really is
rage, denial, unbelief, unforgivenss, despair
acknowledging it is the first step to moving away from it

"For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror, for they look at themselves and on going away, immediately forget what they were like. But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act - they will be blessed in their doing." James 1:23-25

I need God to show me the truth
to break through my excuses, my denial, my deflection
to bring me to his truth

"Then Jesus said to those Jews who had believed in him, 'You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:31-32

then his truth can salve, comfort , enliven give hope
the medicine will get to where it is really needed.
{nous poem}

So many times I have been amazed to be reading a Psalm or other writing
and find God telling me what I feel
putting into words what I didn't know how to say
showing me and helping me understand what I don't understand
He puts it into words
there is real relationship
honesty
communication
communion
community

How can  I be otherwise with other people if I am being so honest with him
open, vulnerable,
letting Him in
letting others in

"Casting all your care upon Him because he cares for you" I Peter 5:7
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:6-7

He will show me and teach me then what I should say or what does not need to be said
how to say it
carefully, patiently. lovingly
it will not all bust out, splattering all over everyone in words and ways I wish I could take back
it has all already been busted out all over before God
nothing has been held back or covered over
I do not need to pretend otherwise with Him

"I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" Ephesians 4:1-3 NRSV

These are real life examples to me of this type of authenticity with God and people, loving community and
speaking the truth in love:

http://t.co/19oa9vSPGr

      http://writewhereithurts.org/

Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

You are my Helper

Complete terror takes over when I know I need to ask someone for help
that it cannot be avoided
that there is no other way

I would gladly suffer any deprivation
than to face the panic
vulnerability
and risk of hurt rejection
that comes with having to ask for help

Acts of service are a large part of my love language.
So when I have no one to help me with practical duties and needs
I feel very unloved


somehow I feel ashamed for being an inconvenience, a burden a nuisance
when I sense the weight of my life is leaning on someone else

"Cast your care on the Lord for he cares for you" I Peter 5:7

Yes, I believe you care for me
I believe I can let the weight of my life fall down onto you
You are not annoyed
you are not interrupted from something else more important that you are doing
you are glad to see me
you are glad to help me
you are strong and able
you are not overburdened

you are wise
you are never at a loss what to do
 you are never worn out, exhausted, depleted, out of resource
isaiah will not faint nor be discouraged

you will accomplish your purposes
you are excited to include me in what you are doing
I am not an annoyance to you
I am not an unwanted burden to you
you have time, love and affection for me

you earnestly long for me to come to you
unburden my heart to you
Hannah poured out her soul before the Lord
Ps 130 out of the depths I cried to you

I don't have to be ultra nervous that it must be said just right or
an explosion will occur
You want me to speak
Job I will speak in the anguish of my soul
you wrote down all of Jobs anguished speaking you recorded it
it is a longer book than any single gospel
even when I can do no better than the raw unadulterated pain aguish rage grief sorrow bitter and crushing disappointment that is within
Yes, respect you
but yes I can speak with you
and you are not annoyed at me for asking the hard and true questions that are on my heart
you welcome them
you smile when you see me coming
instead of grimace and turn away
your face lights up to see me
your arms open wide
there is love and compassion shining in your eyes
you know what I am feeling and facing
you understand me and what will help
you even explain to me what I am feeling and why

all you want is for me to come to you
you want to be with me in my day to day life
in the ordinary and the mundane
the trivial and even the banal
what is beyond anyone else's ability to even listen to
much less stay engaged with

I do not need to fear to come to you
you will be with me
you will help me

Yes, sometimes you do have to tell me things that I are painfully true
upsetting disturbing and that require me to change
But you are right there with me, loving me
staying the distance with me
committed, unswayed or deterred by the difficulty

You are my rock my high tower my shield my buckler
you will hold my hand and lead me through this
you will be with me
right here with me
deep down inside where no one else can go

Glory to you
what an amazing God you are
I love you because you have first loved me

"Herein is love, not that we loved God but he loved us and gave his son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:10

I will not leave you all alone like orphans. I wil come back to you.
If you love me you will do the things I command. I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper. He will give you this Helper to be with you forever. The Helper is the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him because it does not see him or know him. But you know him. He lives with you and he wil be in you.
John 14:18, 15-17

Matthew 11: 28-30
²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

the fight to remain vulnerable

The hardest spiritual work in the world is to love the neighbor as the self–to encounter another human being not as someone you can use, change, fix, help, save, enroll, convince or control, but simply as someone who can spring you from the prison of yourself, if you will allow it.
Barbara Brown Taylor

"I don't need to give you a shot of novicaine because the tooth is already dead"
announced the dentist today as he proceeded to turn on his drill.

Such a strange sensation to know and hear him drilling on my tooth 
and yet I could not feel anything except the vibration and my own apprehension.

Although it was pretty cool to not need a shot in the tender and sensitive area of my mouth,
it was unnerving to know something once living is now lifeless and dead.

no longer sensitive to either hot or cold, pain or pleasure
indifferent
apathetic
removed from what makes us human, alive

a powerful metaphor to my soul as I find through the years, 
I wish to try to shield myself from the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is err to."
Hamlet   by William Shakespeare

like thick fat blubber insulating my soul
little by little
layer by layer
year after year
day after day
hurt after hurt

I become encased in layer after layer of bouncy rubber
coated in teflon
nothing sticks anymore
nothing penetrates 
very little gets through 
neither love nor hurt
neither blessing nor anguish
I remain distant, removed
isolated

cocooned
safe, cozy
enveloped in my own self-absorbed soul
a swollen, bloated, empty, rubber balloon 

but vacant and isolated
so empty and numb
indifferent
apathetic

in conversation 
I can feel myself tense up
panic slowly building
I want to run fast and far away
climb into my personal bunker and slam the door shut behind me
shut everyone and everything out
including you

Help me to run to you instead
help me to run to your embrace
to your waiting smile
your open arms
your lap that waits for me to crawl up into it
your loving grin of pleasure as you see me
listen to me tell all
wrapped with your loving embrace

a place to tell you all my fears
all my stress, panic, my fears and all that overwhelms

you will listen
you will comfort
you will calm
you will help me remain human
open vulnerable
honest truthful
only you can do this
I cannot
I can only cry to you for help not to barracade myself in my bunker
but to pour out my soul to you
keep takling
keep praying
keep my soul exposed and running to you

If I stop, I will freeze
slowly but surely
lose sensation
go numb
mindless
motionless
dead

In "To Build A Fire" by Jack London,  the man thought he didn't need anybody else, that he could do it alone.
But it was colder than he realized and when he needed help, it was too far away.

also ("Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost  - such a great poem)

Let the passion and pain keep me alive by pouring it out to you!
Even anger can be a good thing when it helps me open up my soul to you. 

Pain teaches a most counterintuitive thing—that we must go down before we even know what up is. It is first an ordinary wound before it can become a sacred wound. Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and our ignorance. I would define suffering very simply as “whenever you are not in control.”
All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. If your religion is not showing you how to transform your pain, it is junk religion. It is no surprise that a crucified man became the central symbol of Christianity.
If we cannot find a way to make our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably become negative or bitter—because we will be wounded. That is a given. All suffering is potentially redemptive, all wounds are potentially sacred wounds. It depends on what you do with them. Can you find God in them or not?
If there isn’t some way to find some deeper meaning to our suffering, to find that God is somehow in it, and can even use it for good, we will normally close up and close down, and the second half of our lives will, quite frankly, be small and silly." Friar Rohr

Oh, Lord, may you get transformation instead of isolation in me through this
empathy and compassion rather than coldness and hardness
transparency and vulnerability rather than hiding and shutting out and obscurity
keep my open to you 
to receive your love right here and now where I am 
to receive you
to let your love fill
soothe, cool, calm
revive, enliven

Give it all to you, 
the pain, the blessings, the confusion
whatever you are giving 
give it back to you
stay with you
you are with me
here and now

I would like to share the following stories that were to me, triumphant examples of how Jesus is able to transform and enable love where there were great differences. A wonderful lived out example of learning to speak the truth in love, which is so incredibly difficult and of God's ability to create loving community among those who could never come together with out him. This so meaningful to me because I long to be in this kind of community, in my home, and larger spheres because it is not about any specific behavior but about the needed change we all need no matter what it is we struggle with or who. 

http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-i-will-become-more-undignified/

http://www.worldmag.com/2013/03/journey_of_grace/page1

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

Tree of Life

" Hope deferred makes the heart sick
but a desire fulfilled
is a tree of life"
Proverbs 13:12 ESV

When God does grant a deep desire of the heart...
He wants to make me a beautiful,
life giving, constantly renewing
beautiful tree

like a lovely jacaranda tree
with profuse lavender blooms
that fill the air with sweet perfume
and cascade down to carpet with softness
and stunning beauty

But how easily my heart drifts from you when you bless me so
and how insidiously fear creeps in
How can my heart be kept
when all I have earnestly longed for
is before me?

Suffering draws me out of myself like the warmth and light of the sun 

 causing the petals on a flower to open and expand outward

need of you draws me out of myself

soaking in your life giving rays

bringing life and beauty
 providing nector to others

right here where I am

But when what I really really want does actually happen, 

 I feel myself closing, folding inward

wanting to withdraw again 

deep into myself

to grasp onto 

what has brought joy,
 pleasure,
love,
 affection,
calm.

But in that 

instinctive impulse

I lose you

and become unwilling to be vulnerable again

to take a risk

to extend myself in fragility with you

I want to take my treasure and go bury it away in a deep dark hole

where no one can ever take it away from me again

The sunlight fades

the beauty dies

there is no longer nourishment in me to give out
I become shriveled
withered
dying

Oh how I need you
 when I know that I need you

when I feel so desperately that I need you

Oh how I still need you even more when I no longer feel desperate, alone

forsaken and overwhelmed

I need you but might not seek you

might try to seek life apart from you

How you want to give, to bless, to love

to enjoy fellowship and communion with us

How easily we forget about you

don't make time for you

ignore your words

take you for granted

treat you in a careless flippant, disposable way

You want a relationship that had moved beyond what you can do for me

You want to know and be known 

Not for what you offer

or what you give

or what you can do 

but for who you are

21 "Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things".  

Romans 1:21-23 KJV

25' Who changed the truth of God into a lie, 
and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator,
 who is blessed for ever. Amen".  
Romans 1:25 KJV

To glorify you

To thank you

to give you the proper place of God in my life

you are God

you are God

I am not god 

I am not

to offer praise and thanksgiving for each and every blessing that you give

acknowledges that it is your gift

your blessing 

your love

you are the source

you are the Sun 

from which all life depends

I cannot live without you

no matter how blessed you have made me

Oh Lord, give me a grateful heart to acknowledge you are everything

and everything you give is but a gift

give me clarity to see that whether gifts come or go

you always remain

you are the same

you are all

"He said, "Naked I came from my mother;s womb, 
and naked shall I return there;
 the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

blessed be the name of the Lord"
Job 1:21 NRSV

the one healed leper who returned to give you thanks
acknowledging you and your wonder 

it is a fight to remain vulnerable

^"11 I am not saying this because I am in need, 

for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

¹² I know what it is to be in need,

 and I know what it is to have plenty.

 I have learned the secret of being content

 in any and every situation, 

whether well fed or hungry,

 whether living in plenty or in want.

 ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

¹⁴ Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles."

Philippians 4:11-14

to be content with you
in difficult deprivation,
devastating disappointment or
bountiful blessing

to trust you to keep my heart in blessing
and to keep my heart in suffering

only you can help me hold You the source
of all I truly need
you, the Sun

only you can help me stay open
as a fragile flower
vulnerable
flexible 
feeling
caring 
engaged
connected
human
alive
nourished and
nourishing

To receive whatever you give 
to give it back to you
to hang on to you
soaking in your awe
wonder and love

You are beautiful
you make your beauty
shine in me


Bless you for this post from Ann Voskamp

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/08/when-you-are-broken-the-now-traumatic-disorder-of-everyday-life/