You are my Helper

Complete terror takes over when I know I need to ask someone for help
that it cannot be avoided
that there is no other way

I would gladly suffer any deprivation
than to face the panic
vulnerability
and risk of hurt rejection
that comes with having to ask for help

Acts of service are a large part of my love language.
So when I have no one to help me with practical duties and needs
I feel very unloved


somehow I feel ashamed for being an inconvenience, a burden a nuisance
when I sense the weight of my life is leaning on someone else

"Cast your care on the Lord for he cares for you" I Peter 5:7

Yes, I believe you care for me
I believe I can let the weight of my life fall down onto you
You are not annoyed
you are not interrupted from something else more important that you are doing
you are glad to see me
you are glad to help me
you are strong and able
you are not overburdened

you are wise
you are never at a loss what to do
 you are never worn out, exhausted, depleted, out of resource
isaiah will not faint nor be discouraged

you will accomplish your purposes
you are excited to include me in what you are doing
I am not an annoyance to you
I am not an unwanted burden to you
you have time, love and affection for me

you earnestly long for me to come to you
unburden my heart to you
Hannah poured out her soul before the Lord
Ps 130 out of the depths I cried to you

I don't have to be ultra nervous that it must be said just right or
an explosion will occur
You want me to speak
Job I will speak in the anguish of my soul
you wrote down all of Jobs anguished speaking you recorded it
it is a longer book than any single gospel
even when I can do no better than the raw unadulterated pain aguish rage grief sorrow bitter and crushing disappointment that is within
Yes, respect you
but yes I can speak with you
and you are not annoyed at me for asking the hard and true questions that are on my heart
you welcome them
you smile when you see me coming
instead of grimace and turn away
your face lights up to see me
your arms open wide
there is love and compassion shining in your eyes
you know what I am feeling and facing
you understand me and what will help
you even explain to me what I am feeling and why

all you want is for me to come to you
you want to be with me in my day to day life
in the ordinary and the mundane
the trivial and even the banal
what is beyond anyone else's ability to even listen to
much less stay engaged with

I do not need to fear to come to you
you will be with me
you will help me

Yes, sometimes you do have to tell me things that I are painfully true
upsetting disturbing and that require me to change
But you are right there with me, loving me
staying the distance with me
committed, unswayed or deterred by the difficulty

You are my rock my high tower my shield my buckler
you will hold my hand and lead me through this
you will be with me
right here with me
deep down inside where no one else can go

Glory to you
what an amazing God you are
I love you because you have first loved me

"Herein is love, not that we loved God but he loved us and gave his son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:10

I will not leave you all alone like orphans. I wil come back to you.
If you love me you will do the things I command. I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper. He will give you this Helper to be with you forever. The Helper is the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him because it does not see him or know him. But you know him. He lives with you and he wil be in you.
John 14:18, 15-17

Matthew 11: 28-30
²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

the fight to remain vulnerable

The hardest spiritual work in the world is to love the neighbor as the self–to encounter another human being not as someone you can use, change, fix, help, save, enroll, convince or control, but simply as someone who can spring you from the prison of yourself, if you will allow it.
Barbara Brown Taylor

"I don't need to give you a shot of novicaine because the tooth is already dead"
announced the dentist today as he proceeded to turn on his drill.

Such a strange sensation to know and hear him drilling on my tooth 
and yet I could not feel anything except the vibration and my own apprehension.

Although it was pretty cool to not need a shot in the tender and sensitive area of my mouth,
it was unnerving to know something once living is now lifeless and dead.

no longer sensitive to either hot or cold, pain or pleasure
indifferent
apathetic
removed from what makes us human, alive

a powerful metaphor to my soul as I find through the years, 
I wish to try to shield myself from the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is err to."
Hamlet   by William Shakespeare

like thick fat blubber insulating my soul
little by little
layer by layer
year after year
day after day
hurt after hurt

I become encased in layer after layer of bouncy rubber
coated in teflon
nothing sticks anymore
nothing penetrates 
very little gets through 
neither love nor hurt
neither blessing nor anguish
I remain distant, removed
isolated

cocooned
safe, cozy
enveloped in my own self-absorbed soul
a swollen, bloated, empty, rubber balloon 

but vacant and isolated
so empty and numb
indifferent
apathetic

in conversation 
I can feel myself tense up
panic slowly building
I want to run fast and far away
climb into my personal bunker and slam the door shut behind me
shut everyone and everything out
including you

Help me to run to you instead
help me to run to your embrace
to your waiting smile
your open arms
your lap that waits for me to crawl up into it
your loving grin of pleasure as you see me
listen to me tell all
wrapped with your loving embrace

a place to tell you all my fears
all my stress, panic, my fears and all that overwhelms

you will listen
you will comfort
you will calm
you will help me remain human
open vulnerable
honest truthful
only you can do this
I cannot
I can only cry to you for help not to barracade myself in my bunker
but to pour out my soul to you
keep takling
keep praying
keep my soul exposed and running to you

If I stop, I will freeze
slowly but surely
lose sensation
go numb
mindless
motionless
dead

In "To Build A Fire" by Jack London,  the man thought he didn't need anybody else, that he could do it alone.
But it was colder than he realized and when he needed help, it was too far away.

also ("Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost  - such a great poem)

Let the passion and pain keep me alive by pouring it out to you!
Even anger can be a good thing when it helps me open up my soul to you. 

Pain teaches a most counterintuitive thing—that we must go down before we even know what up is. It is first an ordinary wound before it can become a sacred wound. Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and our ignorance. I would define suffering very simply as “whenever you are not in control.”
All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. If your religion is not showing you how to transform your pain, it is junk religion. It is no surprise that a crucified man became the central symbol of Christianity.
If we cannot find a way to make our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably become negative or bitter—because we will be wounded. That is a given. All suffering is potentially redemptive, all wounds are potentially sacred wounds. It depends on what you do with them. Can you find God in them or not?
If there isn’t some way to find some deeper meaning to our suffering, to find that God is somehow in it, and can even use it for good, we will normally close up and close down, and the second half of our lives will, quite frankly, be small and silly." Friar Rohr

Oh, Lord, may you get transformation instead of isolation in me through this
empathy and compassion rather than coldness and hardness
transparency and vulnerability rather than hiding and shutting out and obscurity
keep my open to you 
to receive your love right here and now where I am 
to receive you
to let your love fill
soothe, cool, calm
revive, enliven

Give it all to you, 
the pain, the blessings, the confusion
whatever you are giving 
give it back to you
stay with you
you are with me
here and now

I would like to share the following stories that were to me, triumphant examples of how Jesus is able to transform and enable love where there were great differences. A wonderful lived out example of learning to speak the truth in love, which is so incredibly difficult and of God's ability to create loving community among those who could never come together with out him. This so meaningful to me because I long to be in this kind of community, in my home, and larger spheres because it is not about any specific behavior but about the needed change we all need no matter what it is we struggle with or who. 

http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-i-will-become-more-undignified/

http://www.worldmag.com/2013/03/journey_of_grace/page1

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homeschoolchronicles/2013/03/on-the-way-to-easter-mourning-with-jesus/

Tree of Life

" Hope deferred makes the heart sick
but a desire fulfilled
is a tree of life"
Proverbs 13:12 ESV

When God does grant a deep desire of the heart...
He wants to make me a beautiful,
life giving, constantly renewing
beautiful tree

like a lovely jacaranda tree
with profuse lavender blooms
that fill the air with sweet perfume
and cascade down to carpet with softness
and stunning beauty

But how easily my heart drifts from you when you bless me so
and how insidiously fear creeps in
How can my heart be kept
when all I have earnestly longed for
is before me?

Suffering draws me out of myself like the warmth and light of the sun 

 causing the petals on a flower to open and expand outward

need of you draws me out of myself

soaking in your life giving rays

bringing life and beauty
 providing nector to others

right here where I am

But when what I really really want does actually happen, 

 I feel myself closing, folding inward

wanting to withdraw again 

deep into myself

to grasp onto 

what has brought joy,
 pleasure,
love,
 affection,
calm.

But in that 

instinctive impulse

I lose you

and become unwilling to be vulnerable again

to take a risk

to extend myself in fragility with you

I want to take my treasure and go bury it away in a deep dark hole

where no one can ever take it away from me again

The sunlight fades

the beauty dies

there is no longer nourishment in me to give out
I become shriveled
withered
dying

Oh how I need you
 when I know that I need you

when I feel so desperately that I need you

Oh how I still need you even more when I no longer feel desperate, alone

forsaken and overwhelmed

I need you but might not seek you

might try to seek life apart from you

How you want to give, to bless, to love

to enjoy fellowship and communion with us

How easily we forget about you

don't make time for you

ignore your words

take you for granted

treat you in a careless flippant, disposable way

You want a relationship that had moved beyond what you can do for me

You want to know and be known 

Not for what you offer

or what you give

or what you can do 

but for who you are

21 "Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things".  

Romans 1:21-23 KJV

25' Who changed the truth of God into a lie, 
and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator,
 who is blessed for ever. Amen".  
Romans 1:25 KJV

To glorify you

To thank you

to give you the proper place of God in my life

you are God

you are God

I am not god 

I am not

to offer praise and thanksgiving for each and every blessing that you give

acknowledges that it is your gift

your blessing 

your love

you are the source

you are the Sun 

from which all life depends

I cannot live without you

no matter how blessed you have made me

Oh Lord, give me a grateful heart to acknowledge you are everything

and everything you give is but a gift

give me clarity to see that whether gifts come or go

you always remain

you are the same

you are all

"He said, "Naked I came from my mother;s womb, 
and naked shall I return there;
 the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

blessed be the name of the Lord"
Job 1:21 NRSV

the one healed leper who returned to give you thanks
acknowledging you and your wonder 

it is a fight to remain vulnerable

^"11 I am not saying this because I am in need, 

for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

¹² I know what it is to be in need,

 and I know what it is to have plenty.

 I have learned the secret of being content

 in any and every situation, 

whether well fed or hungry,

 whether living in plenty or in want.

 ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

¹⁴ Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles."

Philippians 4:11-14

to be content with you
in difficult deprivation,
devastating disappointment or
bountiful blessing

to trust you to keep my heart in blessing
and to keep my heart in suffering

only you can help me hold You the source
of all I truly need
you, the Sun

only you can help me stay open
as a fragile flower
vulnerable
flexible 
feeling
caring 
engaged
connected
human
alive
nourished and
nourishing

To receive whatever you give 
to give it back to you
to hang on to you
soaking in your awe
wonder and love

You are beautiful
you make your beauty
shine in me


Bless you for this post from Ann Voskamp

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/08/when-you-are-broken-the-now-traumatic-disorder-of-everyday-life/

Daddy, hold my hand

Obedience

Obedience frightens me

sets all my alarm bells shrieking

I know I need to obey you

Sometimes I even want to obey you

But thinking of obeying you

really stresses me out

I can feel my anxiety rise up 

tight around my throat to choke me

What if I don't obey

What does God want me to do right now?

How can I know something is of God 

and not just of me?

Truth:

I cannot obey you

my heart is deceitful above all else

who can understand it

Jeremiah 17:9

I want to obey

but I am afraid

afraid of losing control

afraid of what you want me to do

afraid I will ignore your gentle leading

afraid I will be stubborn in what is really my own idea

all the while calling it yours

 while you are gently trying to steer me differently

afraid of saying the wrong thing

afraid of not saying the right thing

Oh Lord 

I am lost 

in myself

I know clearly times that I have hardened against you

I know times I have been mistaken in what I thought you wanted

I suppose all of this is necessary to bring me to where I 

know only you can lead me into what you want

I cannot understand it

I cannot know it

I cannot figure it out

I need you

close by

always

holding my hand 

redirecting

comforting

reassuring

relationship

always talking with you

prayer

always listening to you

your word

other people

even circumstances

really listening

ready to be redirected

confronted with a new idea

ready to hear I am wrong

and need to change

a constant conversation

holding my hand as I am trying to navigate this stream

unsteady steps

trying to navigate

wobbly logs that tip and roll

throwing me off balance

slippery with water and moss

if I slip 

you will catch me

if I fall 

you will pick me up

if I pull my own way 

you will not let go

please don't let go

even when I am stubborn 

and difficult

you are bigger than me

your love is persistent

you do not give up easily

I am so glad

let you continue to confront with truth

let you continue to work in my life

never be beyond 

hearing you

seeking you

listening to you in any way you may communicate with me

an ear to hear what the Sprit says to the churches

can be there but miss it

Give me a heart to hear you above all else

to love you above all else

to cling to you above all else

to cooperate to your holding onto me

a continual communion

here is all of me

I need you in all your fullness

you are more than whatever I fear to lose

or fear to have to face

You are all

you are here

you are love

you love me

you are with me

you will keep me

you will lead me

you will correct me

you will

not I will

your will not my will

your will not my will be done

a constant communication

back and forth 

up and down

did you mean...?

do you want....?

is this what you want?

please help me to do what you want

"Thomas said to Jesus, 'Lord, we don't know where you are going, 

So how can we know the way?'

Jesus answered, 'I am the way and I am the truth and the life.

The only way to the Father is through me.

If you really knew me, then you would know my Father too.

But now you do know him and have seen him. ' "

John 14: 3-7

You know what it is like to listen and follow another's will 

while in a human body  

with a human soul 

and in a confusing world

"I am the good shepherd.

I know my sheep, as the Father knows me. 

and my sheep know me, as I know the Father.

....

And the sheep listen to the voice of the shepherd. 

He calls his own sheep using their names 

and he leads them out.

 He brings all of his sheep out. 

Then he goes ahead of them and leads them.

 They follow him because they know his voice."

John 10:14, 3-4 International Children's Bible

"I will not be afraid because the Lord is my helper."

Psalm 18:6

International Children's Bible

"If you love me, you will do the things I command. 

I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper. He will give you this Helper to be with you forever. The Helper is the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him because it does not see him or know him. But you know him. 

 He lives with you and he will be in you." 

John 14 15-17

International Children's Bible

Lord of Glory, Hear my cry

2 ¹ Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish ² and said,

“I called out to the Lord from my distress,
and he answered me;
from the belly of Sheol I cried out for help,
and you heard my prayer.
³ You threw me into the deep waters,
into the middle of the sea;
the ocean current engulfed me;
all the mighty waves you sent swept over me.
⁴ I thought I had been banished from your sight,
that I would never again see your holy temple!
⁵ Water engulfed me up to my neck;
the deep ocean surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
⁶ I went down to the very bottoms of the mountains;
the gates of the netherworld barred me in forever;
but you brought me up from the Pit, O Lord, my God.
⁷ When my life was ebbing away, I called out to the Lord,
and my prayer came to your holy temple.
⁸ Those who worship worthless idols forfeit the mercy that could be theirs.
⁹ But as for me, I promise to offer a sacrifice to you with a public declaration of praise;
I will surely do what I have promised.
Salvation belongs to the Lord!”

¹⁰ Then the Lord commanded the fish and it disgorged Jonah on dry land.

Jonah 2 New English Translation

Jonah 4:2 ..."I knew that you are a God who is kind and shows mercy. You don't become angry quickly. You have great love. I knew you would rather forgive than punish..." 

International Children's version

Daddy, I need you

Daddy, I need You

...for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" Matthew 6:8

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." 

Matthew 7:7-12 KJV

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13 NIV

These verses are difficult for me...

What does it mean to have a Daddy in Heaven who is all knowing, all powerful, all love and yet still live in a fallen world?

God can do anything but tragedy, devastation, suffering, sin, selfishness happen

Happen all the time

Happen in horrific randomness

terrifying selfishness

leaving devastating destruction

These things happen

Happen to those I see and hear about

Happen to those I  know

Happen to those I love

Happen to me

What does it mean to trust you to be the Daddy who takes care of me?

I am standing here bankrupted

all my accounts overdrawn

crumpled promisary notes in hand that I have no ability to pay

"The servant therefore fell down and worshipped him, saying, 

"Lord have patience with me and I will pay you all"  Matthew 18: 26 KJV

This man thought he just needed time to repay his debt

No, time is not what I need

I am utterly bankrupt and without any hope of renewal and redemption outside of your mercy.

This man received what he did not yet know that he needed:

 your free and absolute forgiveness of all that debt

 his belief that in time he could pay
prevented this great mercy from reaching his heart 

and transforming everything there
because he would not even grant time
to one who owed him

much less
extending mercy, debt-forgiveness, freedom

Trying to live a righteous life has brought me to utter bankruptcy

I have no resource to meet the needs that meet me everyday

"For I have satiated the weary soul and I have replenished every sorrowful soul"

 Jeremiah 31:25 KJV

Only you can do this

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13

What you promise to provide is yourself

not things, security that makes me feel secure without you

no promises of exemption from the woes of this life

not even deprivation is excluded

Jesus knew what it was to be hungry, exhausted, rejected, scorned, manipulated betrayed, crucified

He was not spared any of this

So that anyone could have him in the midst of their longing soul, no matter what

What does it mean to have an all loving Daddy,
 all powerful, all knowing, all able,

while still  in this fallen world?

 It means I have a loving heart and a lap to climb into
where there is a welcoming smile

Where I can tell all my heart, all I desire,
all I wish I could change, all I wish I could give,

all I wish I could fix, change, redo, transform

accepting that I cannot do any of this

that He is all wise to know what to do

how to best bring us and those we love to our deepest home in him

When Jesus asked the rich young ruler to sell all,
give to the poor and come and follow him

Jesus is really saying that being with him is better 

than being young, wealthy, powerful, comfortable,
 respected, well-fed, admired, esteemed,

whatever else I so desperately desire

Jesus was not asking this man to make a lesser trade

He was offering him the best

Himself

I am not able to give up everything I have
 but am asking You to be more and more

and to loosen the hold these things have on me to less and less

nature abhors a vacuum

I will be filled with something

Oh, let it be You 

With men these things are impossible

but with God all things are possible

with God

with God

with God

Oh dear Lord, let me be with you,
 no matter what it costs or what I have to let go of 

You will give wisdom and grace for any and every situation, 

every conundrum, every shock. every day of mundane details

Whatever the need, even when I don't know what I need

I need YOU

With you

With you

With you

all things are possible

In all their affliction he was afflicted,

    and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;    he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. 

Isaiah 63:9 ESV

It really is impossible!

 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matthew 19:26 New Living Translation

Jesus looked at them and replied, "This is impossible for mere humans, but for God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26  NET Bible (2006)

This verse used to hit me like an all around excuse slayer
like a scythe or machete cutting down all reasons in a broad swath
why I could believe I did not have to really try to do what Jesus says to really do

But lately it has been such a comfort and balm to me
What! Really?
It is not my imagination
It is not a delusion
it really IS impossible!!!!
It is not that I just can't somehow seem to be a spiritual parent
who can truly love spouse and children with a patient, persistent, consistently self-sacrificing love
all the while balancing taking good care of myself as well
it is not a matter of just reading this book or praying enough or anything enough

a human being is a deep well
relationships are complex and difficult
life is confusing and bewildering
there is no simple fix
or simple remedy

even lots of spiritual knowledge and activities
do not necessarily bring
deep, lasting, and true transformation

I am so relieved to hear Jesus say it right out loud

It really, really cannot be done
You are not crazy for thinking so

Jesus just says it straight out
with human beings this is impossible

this is why I came
this is why I am here

I want to do what you can never do
but I cannot
until you realize 
you cannot

A Jewish leader asked Jesus, "Good Teacher, what must I do to get the life that continues forever?"
Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? Only God is good. You know the commands: You must not be guilty of adultery. You must not murder anyone. You must not steal. You must not tell lies about your neighbor in court. Honor your father and mother."
But the leader said, "I have obeyed all these commands since I was a boy!"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "But there is still one more thing you need to do. Sell everything you have and give the money to the poor. You will have a reward in heaven. Then come and follow me!"
But when the man heard this, he became very sad because he was very rich.
When Jesus saw that the man was sad, he said, 'It will be very hard for rich people to enter the kingdom of God! It would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle, than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
When his disciples heard this, they asked, "Then who can be saved?"
Jesus answered , "God can do things that are not possible for men to do!"
Peter said, "Look, we left everything we had and followed you!"
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth. Everyone who has left his house, wife, brothers, parents, or children for Gods' kingdom will get much mort than he left. He will receive many times more in this life. And after he dies, he will live with God forever." Luke 18: 18-30 International Children's Bible

I cannot sell all my possessions give to the poor and just follow Jesus
I cannot get my camel through the eye of the needle
I cannot do any of this

What a relief to hear you say it to me as well

When start from this point together with you, O LORD,  there is hope
You have been patiently waiting for me to arrive to this place
what You have known all along

When I feel like all I am doing is banging my head against a brick wall
bouncing from frustration to rage to despair
Wait!
The portal is opening to a whole new existence
 a whole new arena of faith and dependence

This is the opening
This is the door
with me, this is impossible
yes, say it,
with me THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
with me THIS IS TOO MUCH
with me I CANNOT DO THIS
with me THIS IS CRAZY
with me HOW CAN ANYONE EVER BE EXPECTED TO DO THIS??!!

I am ready to dance a jig on the table tops
Thank you Lord
Oh thank you Lord
you understand
you know how I feel
and you don't tell me to just keep trying

I must bow
I am not God
I am not God
I do not have what is needed here in any way, shape or form

Only you
Only you
Only you
can do this
You are God
You are God
I bow to you
Take your rightful place as God in me
in this home
in these relationships

A life of high adventure
like jumping out of plane with only a small back pack and an assurance

the parachute will open...

you say

With God all things are possible
With God all things are possible
With God all things are possible

I am God is anything too hard for me?

Like Bilbo Baggins, thrust from his familiar, comfortable and safe Hobbit home
this doesn't mean anything will be the way I want it to,
 but it does mean YOU can get what you want in me

You can keep me in trials
You can keep me in blessing
You can love through me
You can lead me
You can
You can

All praise to you!!

Genesis 18:14 "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."

Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"